Naming The New Palin

1. Gustav. With a name like this, there's the possibility of a hellish pregnancy with lots of morning sickness, weight gain, swollen and unstable hemorrhoids, and a brutal labor of about 30 hours followed by a dull, press-free childhood.

2. Swayze. Sarah Palin looks like she once resembled one of the snooty guests at Kellerman's who secretly lusted after Johnny Castle. Plus, naming the child Swayze will guarantee the cougar and gay-dancer vote.

3. Tab. With uncles named Track and Trig, Tab will fit right in either in Alaska or D.C. Plus, how cool would it be to be named after a once-considered deadly diet drink? Plus, the name Tab is very close to another strangely named and somewhat famous political son Tagg.

4. Nigel. This will show that grandma actually knows something about international relations by giving the baby a very English (read: foreign) name.

5. Mayo. With aunts and uncles named Track, Trig, Willow and Piper, why not?

6. Rafiki. Means "friend" in Swahili. Blame Barack Obama for this one - he made it okay to have a weird name yet still succeed in politics. He or she can go by either Rafa or Fifi during college then go back to the more unusual and exotic-sounding Rafiki when "working" with native Alaskans. And naming the child Rafiki will demonstrate that the family is hip to the Dark Continent.

7. Or, if they want keep with their Alaskan roots, they can choose a name from the Yup'ik language. I'm pulling for Culunaq (salted salmon fish), Iik (eye), or Kalluk (thunder and/or lightning).

8. Jamie Lynn. An homage to the most famous teen mother to date: Jamie Lynn Spears. With a name like Jamie Lynn, her parents are assured to be 30-year old grandparents.

9. Van. See Nos. 3 and 5.

10. Oprah. Both a way to attract Obama supporters and a way to get mentioned on Oprah.