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Mystery Debate Theater 2007

The Republican candidates for president met in South Carolina Tuesday night for their second debate, this one sponsored by Fox News. The Beachwood Mystery Debate Theater team of Andrew Kingsford, Tim Willette, and Steve Rhodes was on-hand at Beachwood HQ to analyze the proceedings.


The candidates were introduced with a graphic summary of vital statistics, including religion. Then to Brit Hume.

Hume: I'm Brit Hume . . .

Andrew: . . . and I'm an atheist.

Tim: Let's make him a Druid.


Tommy Thompson talks about being tough on criminals.

Andrew: I not only killed them, but made them into cheese!


We were all expecting the body of Jerry Falwell to lie in state on the stage tonight. No such luck. Republicans have no sense of humor.


Chris Wallace questions Tommy Thompson on his Iraq proposal.

Thompson: They should elect leaders in 18 territories like we do in our 50 states.

SR: And fire all the gay people.


We are all impressed at how Thompson's body does not move when he speaks.


Mitt Romney is asked about pulling forces out of Iraq.

Andrew: I use the rhythm method, so there's no need to pull out.


SR: Romney has the look. It doesn't matter what he says.

Andrew: He does. He's the George Hamilton of the panel.


Sam Brownback is asked about his support of the Iraq Study Group's report. He has an extensive repertoire of gestures.

Andrew: It's the claw. And the bridge. Now the inverse double claw. Karate chops! Interlocking. Walking them forward. The bolt. Back to the inverse claw - now walk it!


Rudy Giuliani is asked about Iraq.

Tim: Is he dubbed? The words don't seem to be coming out of his mouth.

My e-mail notification dings.

Tim: Wow. you have a bell that rings whenever he says Islamic terrorists?

Andrew: Mayor Guiliani, what if the terrorists are gay abortionists?

Tim: With guns.


SR: Is that Crazy Dude?!

Tim: Nah, that's Ron Paul.

SR: Is Gravel gonna be in this one?

Tim: He's a Democrat. But maybe!


Tim: The microphones look like coat hangars. Think one of 'em is gonna have an abortion on stage?


Tim: Duncan Hunter is the Great Santini of the debate. Can you imagine being his kids?


SR: Do you have to have big ears to run for president?

Andrew: I told you that last time, it's like the Cavalcade of the Dumbos.


Andrew: It's gonna be so good when the fried rice gets here! Write that one down.


We notice that the lights behind Romney are changing behind him.

Tim: He's doing something secret, he has some kind of mind power.

Andrew: No, I think he's got a foot pedal. He's all wowwowowwow!


McCain is asked about his opposition to the president's 2001 tax cuts, which he now says he supports.

Andrew: 'Cause Pepperidge Farms remembers!


Mike Huckabee advocates something called the Fair Tax.

Huckabee: I'm going to put a Going Out of Business sign on the Internal Revenue Service . . . it would save $10 billion.

Tim: Wouldn't someone still have to open the envelopes though? And someone would have to take all those checks to the bank. You'd need a pretty big car to put them in the back.


Sam Brownback is asked to name three programs he would cut from the budget.

SR: Millennium Park. That thing is bleeding us dry!

SR: How much does all this cost?

Tim: What?

SR: You know, all this. Paper, reports, slides . . . it could be millions.


Andrew: Well, first I would eliminate state government.

SR: First, I would fire gay people.


Ding ding.

Andrew: Sixteenth-century knights for $500.


James Gilmore makes an appearance.

Tim: Has he been asked a question before?

Andrew: No. It's because of the tie. That tie - wrong!


Hunter is asked how he would deal with the Chinese trade deficit.

Andrew: Gunboat diplomacy.


SR: The Chinese will greet us as liberators.

Tim: They will. They make all our toy flags already anyway.


Andrew: Start up a roadside bomb manufacturing base and capitalize on a growth market.


Tom Tancredo is speaking.

SR: He always makes me feel like he's not wearing any pants.

Andrew: You know why? Because he's very expressive with his eyes.


SR: There are commercials? Who do you think is advertising on this?

Andrew: Smith and Wesson.

Tim: al-Qaeda.

Andrew: The Bin Laden Group.

Tim: Because you could die tomorrow.


SR: Days Inn? Shouldn't it be called Nights Inn? You're not really spending a day there.

Andrew: How 'bout Shag Inn? If you're doing a lot of sleeping, we're not doing our job.


Andrew: Plavix: Protexts you from gayness, 24 hours a day.


Gilmore says some of his opponents are not true conservatives but are being liberal in characterizing others as conservative while . . . something.

SR: He's already lost me.

Tim: I wish I could just abort this whole sentence.


SR: This debate sucks.

Andrew: I know. I thought it would get better when the Chinese food got here, but it hasn't.


McCain is speaking about immigration.

SR: I was somewhere outside of Phoenix when the drugs began to take hold.

SR: Actually, I'm here illegally.

Tim: I'm not even from this planet.


SR: Shoudn't illegals be rewarded for making it across the border? I'd put them at the head of the line.


Hunter: I built that border fence in San Diego.

Tim: With my bare hands.

Andrew: Me and my boys took a weekend.

Tim: We had to use a lot of illegal workers to get it done.


Brit Hume: Governor Huckabee, there might be a need for economic policies to change. What policies would you propose?

Andrew: Vacant consumerism.


Huckabee praises the president for advising Americans to spend after 9/11.

Andrew: Feel good America! Spend! Spend! 'Cause it's all renewable. Renewable couches! Renewable high-rises!


Some scenario is posited where U.S. shopping centers are bombed. What would be the first thing you do?

Andrew: I would slash prices across the board!


ANALYSIS: Mike Huckabee as the potential dark-horse continues to disappoint. Tommy Thompson did nothing to break out. McCain is going nowhere. Giuliani rebounded. Romney looks and sounds the part. Fred Thompson would make a nice VP candidate for either of them.


Previously on Mystery Debate Theater:

- The Democrats: Episode 1.
- The Republicans: Episode 1.


Posted on May 16, 2007

MUSIC - Chief Keef Changed The Industry.
TV - Vizio's Best Product Is You.
POLITICS - UIC: Soda Taxes Work.
SPORTS - More McCaskey Malpractice.

BOOKS - All About Poop.


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