Mystery Caucus Theater 2008

The Beachwood Mystery Debate Theater team of Tim Willette and Steve Rhodes gathered at Beachwood HQ to watch the Iowa Caucus returns come in. Has the media been voted out yet?

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Pre-Caucus E-Mail Exchange
Tim to Steve: We should make up our own pointless rules about caucusing as we go. "Little known fact: bald men get two votes."

Appended:

After a Hillary Clinton appearance in Ames this week, for instance, one of her local precinct captains - whose job it is to corral and organize his or her candidate's supporters on caucus night - said he frequently hears from Hillary backers who have, well, absolutely no clue what's expected of them.

"They're like, 'Do I have to do something? Do I have to give a speech?'" he said. The next day, a local field organizer recounted the same experience, groaning: "These people don't even know what a caucus is!" He wasn't exaggerating: At one campaign's focus group, the Iowans present asked whether the exercise they were engaged in was the actual caucus.
- "The Mechanics of Caucusing," The New Republic

Steve to Tim: And candidates who are not viable past the third round of voting are killed.
Steve To Tim: Beachwood exit polls project that Killing All of the Above is the
winner.
Tim to Steve: We should do a poll for when we exit the planet.

Most Accurate Pre-Caucus Poll
Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters

New Caucus Rule
Overheard phone conversation Tim had with his mother: "You know what that means? They have to take every sixth person out and shoot them to make room."

Shoot The Pundits
Most repeated talking points that pundits still think are original ideas:
- It's experience versus change!
- It's about electability!
- Hillary is polarizing!
- It's all about turnout!
- Keep your eye on the weather!
- It's about the evangelicals!
- Iowans take their role seriously!

Let me tell you something. I once lived in Iowa for nine dark months. Iowans are not angels. They aren't any more earnest and honest and serious and forthright than anyone else. The state is hollowed out; manufacturing is gone, family farms are gone, the shopping malls and Wal-Marts on the edges of their "cities" have decimated their downtowns, it's not cute. It's depressing. There is nothing particularly virtuous about Iowans. And the racism and segregation is palpable.

Around the Dial
7:32: A Fox E-Alert arrives in my mailbox: Ralph Wiggum is running for president. I thought there was a two-term limit in America.

7:38: Rio Bravo is on: John Wayne AND Dean Martin.
Tim: "Dean Martin is the model for Gene Wilder in Blazing Saddles."

Keith Olbermann: Precinct 214 has three times the turnout of 2004. Richard Wolfe of Newsweek points out that 200,000 still only a fourth of those who turned out to vote for John Kerry.

Tim: Wasn't it 144,000? Er, no, that's how many Jehovah's Witnesses get to go to heaven.

CNN: An eHarmony commercial. These are the most annoying couples anywhere outside of the New York Times marriage pages.

Curse of the Lottery is also on right now. But it's in commercial - it's that Shark knife: cutting a sponge.

Speeders is on Tru TV, which used to be Court TV is now Tru. Caught on the way to caucuses? That would be killer programming.

FOX scroll: "The people of Iowa pick corn, the people of New Hampshire pick presidents." Wow.

TVLand is showing a M*A*S*H episode called "They Call The Wind Korea." I can't stand the M*A*S*H's with Potter, Winchester and B.J. Tim disagrees, pointing to the episode where Winchester was on speed.

What's the point of even showing the vote with only 3, 8, 12 percent reporting?

Oh Lord, make Tim Russert go away.

Reporting from Persia, Iowa. Tim: Think there's a town called Iowa in Persia?

A report cites a trend of where second-choice voters are going, though the CNN analyst points out that it's based on "a very small sample." Damn right, it's based on six voters!

With almost a quarter reporting, it's 33-32-32 for Edwards-Obama-Hillary.

A guy in a red sweater vest is being interviewed. This is definitely a Republican caucus. Tim: You know he's into bondage.

Breaking news! "Age is shaping up to be significant!!!" Thank you, Soledad O'Brien. You've earned your keep with that original insight!

CNN's Bill Schneider: "It's a clash of generations as dramatic as I've ever seen in politics!!!" What, you were out of the country in 1968, Bill? "It's a clash of generations of epic proportions!"

Tim: Yeah, they're gonna teargas Huckabee supporters.

7:55.: Some schlumpy correspondent is making a fool of himself at Merrill Middle School, asking caucus voters: "Are you happy? Are you happy with the comments you heard?" Um, that's the best you could come up with after a year of preparation?

Tim: And didn't I see you in that leather bar?

Correspondent: What do you watch for the rest of the night?

Steve: Um, Petticoat Junction?

Tim: Obviously you have no life. I assume you're going home to watch television.

7:56: CNN projects Huckabee the winner.

Discussion by Steve and Tim of the bass line to "You're The One That I Want" follows. It's deceptively funky.

7:59: A Duncan Hunter e-mail arrives: Some guy named Joseph Farah is endorsing Hunter. Hunter orders a code red.

Ugh, David Broder. Er, I mean, David Gergen. Same guy.

8:01: Romney is the projected second-place finisher.

Tim: Amazingly, Mike Huckabee won Iowa without the support of the writers union.

Realm of the Lobster is on . The Bay of Fundy!

Tim: That's one of the outtakes of Iron Maiden's Number Of The Beast: "It's . . . within . . . the . . . Realm of the Lobster!"

Comcast capsule: "A look at the North American lobster from birth to maturity."

Tim reads the exit polls along with MSNBC: 43 percent of Republicans said they wanted a candidate who hates fags. 35 percent said they wanted a candidate who hates spics. And as far as the anti-darkie vote goes . . .

C-SPAN is maddeningly/refreshingly without commentary.

Oh no, William Bennett.

Tim: I envision the entire caucus process much like a giant slot machine.

For a second there I thought we were watching Curse of the Lottery again.

Tim: Isn't that the title of Bennett's autobiography?

Back to Speeders. Tim: This is what the writers strike has given us.

Another eHarmony commercial. They must have an unlimited ad budget.

Tim: These are all Huckabee voters.

Fox reports that with 52 percent of precints reporting, Obama leads 34-32-32. Bill Richardson is at 2. Chris Dodd moved to Iowa and can't even get one percent of the vote. And he's the Pepperidge Farm candidate, you'd think he'd catch on there.

8:28: Obama is projected the winner with about 75 percent of the vote in.

Oh my god, it's Ed Rollins.

Tim: He knows something about race.

Steve: Let's watch the lobster. "They're in their superstar stage." Mmm, lobster superstar stage.

A discussion ensues between Tim and Steve about women in therapy.

Tim: The Iowa Caucus: Special Victims Unit.

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This has been a special presentation of Mystery Debate Theater. Watch for new episodes in the new year.