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Leaving Las Vegas

While the rest of the media left Las Vegas shortly after the Democratic candidates debate last Thursday night, the crack Beachwood Barstow Bureau hung around to scope out how the candidates unwound later that evening. Here's what they found.

*

Joe Biden. Placed large bets on the roulette wheel based on dividing the table into three. Also sweet-talked the cocktail waitresses into a raucous after-hours party in the MTV suite at the Palms where, of course, he had a three-way. Found singing karaoke in the wee hours of the night at a Harrah's lounge.

Hillary Clinton. Stuck to the blackjack tables where she played two hands at once. She also counted cards and walked away the biggest winner. Never actually checked into a room but managed to make an appearance at every hotel on the strip and the Four Queens downtown.

Mike Gravel. Railed at his fellow craps players at the Bellagio for their disingenuous play before maxing out his credit cards and transferring to Caesar's Palace, where he tried to incite insurrection among the waitstaff. Forcibly put in a cab and sent to Circus Circus.

John Edwards. Hung out with the kitchen staff at Treasure Island, spent a couple hours in the spa at the Wynn, and offered to put several strippers at the Cheetah through college.

Barack Obama. Like Austin Powers, Obama's idea of living dangerously at the blackjack table was to stay with a three and a two. He talked a lot about how wild and crazy he was going to get, but he never actually did. When he fell asleep around midnight in the coffee shop at the Mirage, customers complained that he was stinky and snorey.

Chris Dodd. Spent a lot of time playing baccarat at the Venetian, then headed to Nine at the Palms for a late steak dinner. Retired to a suite at Rio and had Vegas Exotics send a girl over.

Bill Richardson. Went back to his room at Green Valley Ranch to change and met some friends at Whiskey Beach before tearing it up at the Double Down Saloon. Canceled all events the next day.

Dennis Kucinich. Played the West Coast horses at the Bally's sportsbook, $2 poker at Sam's Town, then headed back to Palace Station and ordered vegan room service, which the kitchen staff faked.

*

The Republican candidates, we have learned, have also spent time in Vegas this campaign season.

Duncan Hunter. Took in Penn & Teller at Rio and then headed to the Crazy Horse Too with a gaggle of rich California broads he picked up at the Hard Rock. Woke up naked except for his tie in a mobile home on the other side of town with a dead boy and live girl at his side. Called a cab and returned to the campaign trail.

John McCain. A late dinner with an old friend at the MGM Grand.

Mitt Romney. Strapped the dog to the roof and took the kids to Hoover Dam.

Fred Thompson and Mike Huckabee. Picked up Celine Dion for an all-night bender that began at the Paris craps tables, continued on the dance floor at Rain, got sloppy at the Backdoor Lounge, and ended with Thompson waking up with a tranny in Hitler's car.

Rudy Giuliani. Got kicked out of New York New York for trying to clean the joint up. Joined the showgirls for a number at the Flamingo and relived old times with the gang at the Stardust before retiring to the Golden Nugget, where he ran into Bill Bennett playing slots.

Tom Tancredo. Too many Mexicans in Vegas. Flew up to Reno.

Ron Paul. Walked the streets with a sandwich board proclaiming the impending end of this wicked world before discovering he could make a good buck handing out fliers for escort services.



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Posted on November 20, 2007


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