Chicago - Oct. 22, 2019
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JB Pritzker's First 100 Days

Way different than Bruce Rauner's first 100 days.

* Fewer toilets per capita.

* Gold Coast finally represented in state government.

* Restored "g"s to all Illinois gerunds.

* Now they're booing, not just saying "Bruuuuuuce!"

* State saving money on Hyatt discounts, though JB gets everyone's points. His family didn't become that rich by accident.

* Savings from selling state motorcycle fleet.

* Personally put up collateral to improve state's bond rating.

* Wife is a real Democrat, not a fake one.

* State saves by using fewer magic beans to balance budget.

* Health outcomes improved by lowering everyone's stress level.

* Bored Michael Madigan finally considering retirement.

* Republican Party finally understands what it feels like to be bought out.

* In order to keep more corporate profits in Illinois, moves to define state as "offshore."

* State on the glidepath to more pot, more gambling, more fun, more degeneracy. New tourism slogan: Illinois? IlliYES!

* Fewer lies per capita.

* New governor, new mayor both from Chicago, putting an end to the Winnetka-Wilmette axis.

* Doesn't need no stinkin' right-to-work rules.

* Tort reform becomes torta reform.

* Workers' comp back to shirkers' comp.

* Private equity vulture no longer state animal.

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Comments welcome.



Permalink

Posted on April 25, 2019


MUSIC - College Radio, Eh?
TV - The Sublime Hong Kong Phooey.
POLITICS - CTU Strike Notebook.
SPORTS - Official Power Tools Of MiLB.

BOOKS - Trump Trade Guy's Fake Expert.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Renaming Lake Shore Drive.


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