Inside The Big 3 Bailout

The Big 3 automakers this week released some details about how they would restructure themselves should the federal government grant them a humongous bailout. For example, GM said that Pontiac would become a niche brand, and Saab would likely be sold. Ford said it would double the number of its flex fuel vehicles by 2010. And Chrysler said it would produce a fully functional electric car, also by 2010. The Beachwood Bureau of Fading Industries, however, has obtained documents that show the automakers have far more drastic changes in the works.

GM
* Will actually put the Canyonero into production.

* Will sue to collect royalties from Bruce Springsteen for "Cadillac Ranch."

* Will hire Michael Moore to make another documentary about them; this time it will be called Congress & Me.

* Chief Executive Rick Wagoner will trade in his private Japanese jet for one made in America.

* Workers will now be paid by redefined "hours" that equal 90 minutes.

* Will partner with ComEd on its electric car, the Chevrolet Volt. Illinois ratepayers will subsidize its development.

* Will give away a Buick to every American over 65.

* Wagoner will ask President Bush to help out before he leaves office. "You think you could create one more war that whips up irrational nationalistic fervor? You know, for old times sake? Those wars really sell American cars."

* Saturns will be retrofitted to replace NASA's aging shuttle fleet.

* Promises to hire "Vince from Sham-Wow" as Vice President of Sales.

Ford
* Inspired by its founder's invention of automobile mass production, Ford will reproduce federal bailout money on a high-speed, digital conveyor belt, thus reducing manufacturing costs while increasing revenues.

* Ford CEO Alan Mulally will write an open letter to the American people urging them to buy his cars. He will use the "abusive husband approach" by starting the letter by saying "Come on baby, you know I didn't mean to manufacture all those crappy, fuel inefficient vehicles."

* Ford in touch with Russian morticians who worked on Stalin's corpse to see if they can "do something like that" with founder Henry Ford if they dig him up and charge admission to see him.

* Barring that, Ford will relent and start hiring Jews.

* New pitchman: Gerald Ford.

* First gimmick: Ford will "pardon" management and claim our national nightmare is over. Plus, 0 percent financing for the remainder of his term.

* Promises to no longer employ one lobbyist per gallon.

* Mulally agrees to work for $1.25 a year - so he has some change left over after buying a cheeseburger.

* Will market new subprime vehicles suitable for living in.

* Promises to hire "Vince from Sham-Wow" as Vice President of Sales.

Chrysler
* Fortunately, CEO Bob Nardelli has just come into some money thanks to a carmaker in Nigeria he knows.

* Nardelli agrees to work for $1 a year. Canadian.

* Will rename company "Toyota."

* Will bank future on new Monster Truck Division.

* Will kidnap Lee Iacocca; family pays Chrysler not to give him back.

* Will launch the Bailout Wagon. After "purchase" of the car, someone else pays for it. Comes in two colors: Green and dark green.

* Auto executives cooperate on the development of an energy-efficient vehicle, dubbed "The Golden Parachute." Powered by easy-to-manufacture paper banknotes, the car takes off cleanly, provides a cushiony ride, and rides quietly to a heavily forested, though undisclosed, destination.

* Will ask Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy to have Car Savior Week so Big 3 chairmen can use winnings to pay back bailout money.

* Will unveil their newest alternative energy vehicle, the C-car. This car requires no gasoline at all. It runs on U.S. currency.

* Promises to hire "Vince from Sham-Wow" as Vice President of Sales

- Scott Buckner, Eric Emery, Marilyn Ferdinand, Marty Gangler, Rick Kaempfer, Brian Rhodes, Steve Rhodes

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