If Joe Maddon Were Mayor . . .

* The head of the CTA one day would be the head of CPS the next . . .

* Zoo Day: Animals released into city streets to get residents to relax.

* We'd not only have an elected school board, Chris Coghlan would be on it.

* Aldermen required to wear onesies to city council meetings.

* Cops wouldn't carry guns, man.

* No more charter schools - or schools at all, man. Learn in the streets, it'll be cool!

* 162 new city holidays.

* Taxes become voluntary, but for some reason you'll want to pay.

* The foie gras ban is back: It's not nice to force-feed geese to grotesquerie just to create delicacies.

* Gathers gang leaders for summit; truce declared.

* Respect 90 mph.

* Rainbow light cameras - that don't issue tickets.

* A fifth star for the city flag representing the pitcher batting eighth.

* Marijuana legalized, obvi.

* Everybody gets a pension.

* City finally gets super awesome recycling program.

* Garbage fee? City picks up for free.

* No more rubber stamp city council. Do your job!

* Ed Burke designated for assignment.

* City hosts baseball draft instead of football draft.

* Jay Cutler forced to vaccinate his kids.

* Hawk Harrelson only allowed to broadcast road games.

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