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How The Federal Shutdown Is Affecting Chicago

* Due to furloughed conductors, CTA trains now driving themselves.

* Due to suspension of call center contracts, 311 operators will no longer stand by.

* Chicago Police now not responding to 911 calls from home.

* Federally funded portion of Rahm Emanuel's f-bombs temporarily suspended.

* State and city will no longer be able to keep up with its pension contributions.

* With the city now unable to offer cash for gun buy-back programs, it will instead simply exchange lower-caliber weapons for higher-caliber weapons.

* Although construction projects along 90/94 and other major thoroughfares have not been halted, orange pylons have been replaced by chairs workers are bringing from home.

* The United States Postal Service is not taxpayer funded but has started delivering mail on time and to the correct addresses just out of spite.

* Lincoln Park Zoo's gorillas have been furloughed; several have registered as City Hall lobbyists.

* The surveillance chip on your Ventra card has been turned off pending re-authorization of funding. Or has it?

* Furloughed hired truck drivers ordered to stop pretending to drive trucks.

* Furloughed building inspectors ordered to stop pretending to inspect buildings.

* Loopholes in school closings moratorium now blamed on feds.

* Due to air travel reductions, Barbara Byrd-Bennett will fly home to Cleveland each weekend on a private plane instead of United.

* To make up for lost federal revenue, city inks blue light camera deal with pay-per-view provider.

* Air traffic controllers' training shortened to just watching this film.

* Federal trials now held at the Des Plaines oasis.

* Area Asian carp furloughed until further notice.

* Unable to pay roaming charges, feds turn wiretaps off.

* TSA strip searches at O'Hare and Midway will now just be from the waist down.

* Cubs furlough manager.

* Suspension of federal grant forces removal of handlebars from all Divvy bikes.

* Bloomingdale Trail now the Macy's Trail.

* Bears furlough Brandon Marshall.

* Rahm Emanuel attempts to privatize federal shutdown but has lost phone numbers to members of his infrastructure trust.

* Triple dippers now only double dipping.

* Federal air marshals returned to jobs in Streets and San.

* EPA suspends funny smells unit until further notice.

* ComEd tacking on federal shutdown surcharge fee.

* City now in compliance with leaving every child behind.

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- Nick Shreders, Tim Willette, Natasha Julius, Steve Rhodes

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Comments welcome.



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Posted on October 7, 2013


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