Chicago - Oct. 23, 2021
Music TV Politics Sports Books People Places & Things
Beachwood Politics
Our monthly archive.
Who We Are
Chicago by the numbers.
Sausage Links
Wiki Daley
Wiki Rahm
Illinois Channel
Ralph Martire
Government Attic
Division Street
Indie Political Report
The Obameter
The Intercept
American Dream Betrayed

Exclusive! Inside The New Obama High School

"A new selective-enrollment high school named after President Barack Obama is coming to the Near North Side, CPS officials announced Thursday."

As we are wont to do, we have the scoop.

The Beachwood I-Team has learned the following about Obama High:

* Bruce Rauner's daughter already enrolled.

* If you like your homework, you can keep your homework.

* Detention will be held offsite and last indefinitely.

* Kids will be told the H. in Barack H. Obama High School stands for Harold.

* Taco Day is every day. Only they're not tacos, they're kale burgers.

* The school's position on admitting gay students is evolving.

* 30% of the school's seats will be reserved for neighborhood kids, but they'll only get a Bronze education.

* Notes passed in class will be monitored by a factor of three hops.

* Every student required to fill out an NCAA bracket; teachers will prep on this for weeks.

* Enrollment for the fall semester closes at the end of August. Okay, September. Okay, March.

* Ukrainian students will pretty much be on their own.

* Same for Afghani students.

* And Syrian.

* Also Iraqi.

* And Yemeni.

* Most Pakastani students, too.

* Oh, and Somalis.

* No fatties.

* All students required to sign up with the school nurse.

* Security will be quietly handled by Academi, Lockheed Martin, EADS and Booz Allen Hamilton.

* All doors will be revolving.


* The school will specialize in Rhetoric.

* Of course, it's really a spy school.

* Rahm will still send his kids to Lab.


Contributing: Andrew Reilly, Natasha Julius, J.J. Tindall, Eric Emery, Marty Gangler, Steve Rhodes


Comments welcome.


Posted on April 25, 2014

MUSIC - Madonna vs. Moderna.
TV - Sundays With The Military-Industrial Complex.
POLITICS - IDOC Still Violating Constitution.
SPORTS - Skytober.

BOOKS - China Holding Swedish Publisher.


Search The Beachwood Reporter

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Follow BeachwoodReport on Twitter

Beachwood Radio!