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Daley Named To Coca-Cola Board; Threatens To Pound A 2-Liter Up Reporter's Ass

"Former Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley has joined Coca-Cola Co.'s board of directors effective immediately, the beverage giant announced Thursday."

Daley's influence was immediately felt, as the company also announced the following moves:

* All board votes will now be unanimous.

* The secret formula will be leased to Morgan Stanley for 75 years.

* Millennium Coke to debut five years late and $250 million over budget.

* Hired delivery trucks!

* Federal school lunch program declares Coke a vegetable.

* Company says it meant this world needs "wet Coke," not "white Coke."

* Pepsi runways destroyed in midnight raids.

* Company launches the Shakman Attak 6-Pak to stay competitive.

* Marketing department introduces The Coke Challenge Ballot: Coke, Pepsi, Pepsi Jr., Joe "Pepsi" Soda, Pep C, Pep Si Senor, Pepsi Jackson, Pepsi Washington.

* Coke now the Official Sponsor of The New York Yankees as part of its new Pinstripe Patronage campaign.

* New slogan: "Everybody knows dat!"

* Coke ingredients removed from labels; available now only through a Freedom of Information request that isn't deemed "unduly burdensome."

* Santa is out on Christmas cans; Patrick Ryan is in.

* Coke will hold its own Olympics. In Chicago. In 2016.


Comments and contributions welcome.


1. From Beachwood Mark:

* Introduces proposal to reverse flow of fountain dispensers.

* Check those CPS vending machines - bottled water is out and soda is back.

* Bottle deposits no longer refunded in Michigan - diverted into TIF fund instead.

* Remaining stock of New Coke to be dumped into Deep Tunnel.

* Aluminum cans to be replaced by wrought iron.

* Resurrects plans for the Chicago Spire, now to resemble a Coke bottle with a twisty straw coming out of it.


Posted on December 16, 2011

MUSIC - Chief Keef Changed The Industry.
TV - Vizio's Best Product Is You.
POLITICS - UIC: Soda Taxes Work.
SPORTS - More McCaskey Malpractice.

BOOKS - All About Poop.


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