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Beachwood Primary Guide 2012

Remember, you can take this into the voting booth with you. Just print out, cut along the dotted lines and follow the folding instructions. Or use your smartphone, which has been approved for use upon further review of a ridiculous rule.

Let's start at the top of the ticket and work our way down through selected races.


Office: President of the United States

Opponents: Romney, Santorum, Gingrich, Paul

Notes: Turns out it's pretty amazing that either of the front-runners got on the ballot here and that it's inconsequential that the other two are here at all . . . Democrats wondering if they should pull a Republican ballot and vote for Santorum to either weaken eventual candidate Romney or make Tricky Rick the nominee himself would not only be risking the nation's future on a reckless gamble, but behaving just like their sworn enemy . . . Santorum must be expecting a loss because he's spending Election Night in Gettysburg. Yes, that Gettysburg. Ironically, no one will remember what he says . . . The Tribune endorsed Romney. Four years ago they chose John McCain, writing that "Mitt Romney has the skill set of a superb Treasury secretary. But, thus far, he hasn't convinced us he would be McCain's equal in confronting that dangerous world of 2008."

Beachwood's Advice: Pull a Dem ballot and leave the box for the unopposed Obama blank.


Office: U.S. Congress, 2nd District

Opponents: Jesse Jackson Jr. vs. Debbie Halvorson

Notes: Junior has run a despicable campaign designed to not only crush Halvorson but send a message to future challengers not to mess with him, no matter how vulnerable the once-sainted now-tainted former rising star appears to be. On the other hand, Halvorson has run a deplorable campaign that has simply exposed her further for the Blagojevich/Emil Jones apparatchik she once was, going so far as to plead for Rod's brother Rob to dish on Jackson . . . Halvorson also accused the Tribune editorial board of endorsing Jackson because his alleged scandals sell more papers than, presumably, her steady public stewardship; the Trib found in their joint interview of the candidates that Halvorson was "alarmingly unqualified to represent the district" . . . Jackson, for his part, accused Halvorson of insufficiently supporting the president though Congressional Quarterly found he voted against Obama twice as often as Halvorson . . . Then again, after Nancy Pelosi came to Chicago to endorse Jackson, Halvorson said people are "just sick and tired" of outsides coming into the district and telling folks how to vote, which is not at all how she'd feel if she'd won Pelosi's endorsement . . . On the other hand, Team Jackson also complained of outside forces interfering with the campaign, so it's a push.

Beachwood Advice: Place the ballot at a right-angle against your neck and slowly slide it across every major artery you can find.


Office: U.S. Congress, 8th District

Opponents: Tammy Duckworth vs. Raja Krishnamoorthi

Notes: Duckworth remains a project of Rahm Emanuel, who muscled her into a congressional race in 2006 because he thought her war-torn body would appeal more to swing voters than the woman who had earned her way doing real work in the district, where Duckworth did not even live . . . Krishnamoorthi has the support of locals in the district, though his experience as deputy state treasurer is tainted by the fact that his boss was Alexi Giannoulias.

Beachwood Advice: Crumple up your ballot and and shove it down your windpipe until it is sealed up tight and you can no longer breathe.


Office: U.S. Congress, 10th District

Opponents: Brad Schneider vs. Illya Sheyman.

Notes: Sheyman is a former MoveOn worker and the progressive in the race while Schneider is the "electable" candidate with endorsements from the Tribune and Daily Herald. That might make Sheyman the obvious pick, but influential North Shore blogger Ellen Of The Tenth is backing Schneider. Why? "When I first started this blog, I was writing about the evils of what was coming out of the Bush Administration and Mark Kirk's congressional seat," she writes. "Eventually, it became clearer that things were not a whole lot better on the Democratic side. Then, I promised myself that I was going to be more than a cheerleader for whatever comes out of the Democratic Party. That resolve increased over time as Democrats continued to take positions with Republicans for corporations, the financial industry, the insurance industry and the military industry. It also increased as I saw my Republican counterparts put their stamp of approval on every single thing that came out of their party, no matter how ridiculous or bad." Amen, sister! You'll have to click through to see how that comes out to a screed against Sheyman . . . but vote for this guy?

Beachwood Advice: Turn your ballot into a shank and jab it into your heart like you've OD'd and you're self-administering a shot of adrenaline.


Office: Clerk of the Circuit Court, Cook County

Opponents: Ricardo Munoz vs. Dorothy Brown

Notes: For such a churchie, Dorothy Brown is a noted ethical disaster. Worse, she's terrible at her job. Just another "independent" who flamed out . . . That might also describe Munoz, who greased his kid into Whitney Young . . . Then again, it's Brown who thinks it's right for innocent people to pay for the processing of their unjustified arrest.

Beachwood Advice: Poke your eyes out with the stylus before voting, then try to punch a hole for Munoz while giving yourself plausible deniability.


Office: Illinois Senate, 5th District

Opponents: Annazette Collins vs. Patricia Van Pelt Watkins

Notes: Secretary of State Jesse White calls Collins "the most unethical person in government," which is patently untrue. If it were true, she'd be the chairman of the Illinois Democratic Party . . . Nonetheless, she's got a track record that makes Dorothy Brown look like Paul Simon; just check out what she meant when she said "There is no rule that says you can't give everyone on Walnut Street a scholarship." . . . Watkins tells Huffington Post Chicago that she wouldn't be surprised if Collins is the next public official in Illinois to go to jail, though a long line is already forming . . . Better, Watkins says: "And I bet she wouldn't be surprised either." . . . In fact, Collins tells HuffPo that if allegations over a tax credit had been - or turn out to be - true, "That would have been something to go to jail for." There's still time.

Beachwood Advice: Annazette makes for good copy but bad public service. And we don't just work here, we live here too. So do us all a favor, 5th District.


Office: Illinois House, 22nd District

Opponents: Michael Madigan vs. Michele Piszczor

Notes: Michele Piszczor is an absolutely awful candidate. She has absolutely no idea what she's talking about. She's completely unqualified and unprepared to be even a member of the Illinois House, which doesn't take much in the way of smarts. If you were picking an opponent you could really get behind to knock off the king, she'd be one of the last folks you'd choose. She really sucks.

Beachwood Advice: Piszczor is endorsed.


Office: Illinois House, 28th District

Opponents: Rudy Lozano Jr. vs. Silvana Tabares

Notes: Also can be framed as CTU vs. UNO. Lozano, however, has actually taught (at an alternative high school) and worked in after-school programs . . . He also almost knocked off Dan Burke in the 2010 primary and is not seeking endorsements from Rahm Emanuel or Michael Madigan - though they would not be forthcoming anyway, which is a mark in his favor . . . Tabares sent out a mailer that cropped a photo of Lozano at his brother's wedding and dropped it into a menacing gang scene, turning his peace sign into gang sign.

Beachwood Advice: Repudiate Tabares and her whole stinking game.


Office: Illinois House, 39th District

Opponents: Will Guzzardi vs. Toni Berrios

Notes: Toni Berrios. What more do you need to know? See her "That's just your coincidence" quote in the last item here . . . And if that's not enough, ugh . . . Sure Guzzardi worked for the Huffington Post; hey, nobody's perfect.

Beachwood Advice: Repudiate Berrios and her whole stinking game.


Office: Illinois Supreme Court

Opponents: Mary Jane Theis, Joy Cunningham, Aurelia Pucinski, Thomas Flannigan

Notes: On paper and on television Theis seems to be the best candidate, but that may just be because she projects judiciousness when instead that might really just be Machine-bred confidence. Every time a Theis ad comes on that brags about being endorsed by Rahm Emanuel and stresses that she's a Democrat - it's a primary! - I get queasy. Judges endorsed by parties and public officials who will later have issues before them? Or who already have. "Emanuel did bring in approximately $100,000 for Theis in one shot last fall, according to her campaign, headlining a fundraiser at a Loop restaurant," the Tribune reports. "And Emanuel's campaign organization sent an email Thursday saying Theis 'promotes the highest confidence in the judiciary' and urging more financial support. Theis has played down the fact that she was part of the unanimous high court decision rejecting a challenge to Emanuel's Chicago residency during the 2011 mayoral campaign. She also lives just a few houses away from the mayor in the Ravenswood neighborhood." That's not my idea of an honorable judiciary. Worse, Rahm has called Theis his "swing vote." Gee, can I have one? Theis's candidacy is a perversion of justice . . . Cunningham is the next best choice in the bar ratings and while the Tribune endorsed Theis, they say that "Voters cannot go wrong with either Theis or Cunningham."

Beachwood Advice: Cunningham.


Comments welcome.


Posted on March 20, 2012

MUSIC - The Banditos Spooktacular.
TV - 24 Hours With Showtime Women.
POLITICS - The Fed Vs. Your Retirement.
SPORTS - Tony La Rusty Dusty, Crusty.

BOOKS - Ed's E-Books' Artificial Scarcity.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - A Slow Look: Monet & Chicago.

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