A Guide To Blue State Living

We know it's been awhile since some of you out there in the real America lived in a blue state, so we thought we'd help you through this transition time with some handy hints for blue state living. Feel free to adjust accordingly to your local needs.

1. When paying for your "latte" always pay with George Washington, Abe Lincoln or Andrew Jackson face down. This is our way of saying "We hate America."

2. When you go "looking for your handout," stake out your street corner bright and early. Remember, the early bird always gets someone else's hard-earned pay first.

3. There's no need to pull your kids out of private school to demonstrate your support of public schools. Public schools are to be pitied, not enrolled in.

4. By supporting civil unions instead of gay marriage, you can maintain your separate-but-equal instincts.

5. The best thing about palling around with terrorists is that when it's time to bow to Mecca, if you forgot your rug at home, somebody usually has a spare rug. Take them up on their offer. They may be pals, but they are a little volatile, and you don't want to piss them off.

6. We don't say "My friends." We usually just go with "Comrades."

7. As a courtesy, please remember to leave the safety lock on when the jackbooted bureaucrats come to confiscate your semi-automatic assault rifle. Blue states' socialized medicine won't cover bullet wounds if negligence can be proven.

8. When you go shopping for your new Volvo, go for the C70 convertible. You'll be able to afford it once we put the loopholes in to our confiscatory tax policy. You may even get a tax credit.

9. Don't be shocked when you see what Whole Foods is charging for arugula these days.

10. Remember: some pigs are more equal than others under socialism too.

- Rick Kaempfer, Marty Gangler, Mike Luce, Don Jacobson, Steve Rhodes

© 2006 - 2012, The Beachwood Media Company