100 Hours: The New U.S. House

The new Democratic majority in the U.S. House set out an ambitious "first hundred hours" agenda to pass measures that would tighten lobbying ethics, implement the recommendations of the 9/11 Commission, raise the minimum wage, expand stem cell research, lower prescription drug prices on behalf of Medicare patients, roll back oil industry subsidies, commit to pay-as-you-go budgeting, and cut interest rates on student loans.

Here are some of the lesser known accomplishments of the House Democrats' first hundred hours.

- Rid chamber of "Hastert smell."

- Now abusing the girl pages, not the boys.

- Confederate flags in old leadership offices sold on eBay; money used to upgrade access to series of tubes known as "the Internet."

- Replaced illegal immigrant help with Democratic-voting illegal immigrant help.

- Yoga mats added to House Exercise Chamber.

- Closed the underground tunnel to Dick Cheney's office.

- Used Tom DeLay's hammer to hammer out justice, and hammer out freedom, and hammer out love between their brothers and their sisters, all over this land.

- Potpourri bowls and candles returned to Congressional bathrooms.

- Replaced photo of Woody Hayes with photo of Woody Guthrie.

- Replaced NRA on congressional speed dials with Trial Lawyers Association.

- Iraqi Fries renamed French in House Mess.

- Replaced portrait of James Buchanan with Jimi at Woodstock.

- No wire hangars.

- Assigned Joe Lieberman to a broom closet.

- Renamed Subcomittee on Education, Labor, and Human Services to the Subcommittee on Wedge Issues.

- Hired private investigators to find Constitution.

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