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WTF Special Edition: Shtupping America

Greetings, celebrity shtupping fans. WTF has just flown in from a fortnight in Majorca with big news. And, boy, are his wings tired.

Have you noticed that some people won't go away? You cannot miss them because they never leave. You want them to exit, pray for it, but they won't. They're like genital warts.

Only a premature death can rid us of Jay Cutler, Sara Huckabee Sanders, all the offspring named Trump (you don't really need DNA to test their paternity), Rahm Emanuel and Kanye West.

Modern culture makes them immortal. True, it's a sin to wish harm on others, but we can deal with the guilt.

Oh, lord, when will the veil of their continued existence be lifted from your chosen people?

CUTLER: The ethernet superhighway is bustling with news that he is "dating" Fox News celeb Tomi Lahren. It's a match made in mindless heaven.

We all are gripped by a fevered curiosity about who Jay Cutler efs, doinks or shtups if you prefer Yiddishisms. No, Tomi and I are not shtupping, he assures. No, Jay and I are not shtupping, Tomi reiterates.

We all care where Cutler is hiding his pickle because he spent a decade shtupping the Chicago Bears and their fans. So It's natural that former shtupp-mates remain captivated by his pickle-hiding preferences.

Cutler's shtupping proclivities are a mini media industry.

We hope he stays in-species.

SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS: WTF would make up this story if necessary, but doesn't have to. It's actually really true.

That devil-may-care romantic dog Kim Jung-un has a "thing" for Sarah. We don't know exactly what the Korean dictator word for "thing" is. But it rhymes with shtupping.

At one of the Prez's photo ops summits in a murderous dictatorship, the Little Rocket Man (Mini-shtupper?) winked lasciviously at the former press distorter. The Prez told Sarah she would have to "take one for the team." (Cross my heart and hope to die. She proudly confirms the story without shivering in revulsion in her new book).

The Prez is pimping his press secretary to a short, ugly, mass executioner. This new version seems to be just like a very old version of transactional pimping.

She said no because she's married and wants to be governor of Arkansas. You can be governor of Arkansas if you shtupp farm animals, but not Korean mass murderers. (Note: He has killed all 2,442 barbers who did his hair).

We bet original press secretary incumbent Sean Spicer is really glad he got out when he did.

RAHM EMANUEL: We all loved him as Chicago's two-term mayor because his name was not Daley and also because . . . well . . . that was about it.

The highlight of his eight years was inefficiently hiding the police murder of Laquan McDonald and permanently damaging the Chicago police's reputation even further, as if they needed help doing more self-harm. Didn't work out so well for them or Rahm either.

But good news for him, though not for the rest of us. Now he's the Eddie Haskell of ABC's TV commentariat. Mixed reception. Even Democratic firebrand Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez told him to shut-the-shtupp-up. He won't.

He won't ever leave the stage. He won't do something good for humanity. He won't even exit existence for the good of everyone. As Scrooge noted: "If they would rather die, they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population."

Sorry, no luck with Dickens' advice.

But however rancid his post-mayorship, Rahm cannot top his 2010 appearance on the The Charlie Rose Show. Just go to Google and type in "Rahm Emanuel Farts." If smell-a-vision functioned, we'd all be dead.

Emanuel once mailed a decomposing fish to a pollster he was unhappy with, which made him the perfect Charlie Rose guest. Speaking of Charlie Rose. Is he still alive and who is he attempting to shtupp?

THE TRUMP BRAND: You do know, don't you, that defeating Donald Trump in two months will not free us from our national nightmare? The Trumps will go on tweeting and being insipid forever. And people will be paid to pass along their views.

The Trump Brand includes people named Trump, people related to someone named Trump, someone once married to a Trump and people who have been paid to shtupp people named Trump. This number constitutes the equivalent of the population of Arkansas.

And someone will dutifully report what Don Jr., Eric and Ivanka think about . . . well . . . almost everything.

It will be the Three Stooges gone viral. Not the funny Stooges. The later versions.

KANYE WEST: To this point, he has spent $6.5 million to be elected president, of which all but $56.33 was a loan he gave himself.

He is a financial genius. Ask anyone.

Is this political safari a narcissistic waste? Actually, no. WTF considers that any time West wastes his money this way, that means someone else - maybe a normal human being with kids and mortgage - will get it. It's an economic mini-tidal wave of cash transference that requires only that Kanye West is a self-shtupping boob.

Try talking with someone who thinks West is a musical genius. Gibberish. We do know he's giving schizophrenia a bad name: Shtuppophrenia?

But enough for now. WTF has no time to chat. Our plane to Majorca is warming up.


David Rutter is the former publisher/editor of the Lake County News-Sun, and more importantly, the former author of the Beachwood's late, great "The Week In WTF" column. His most recent piece for us was Evanston's Golden Child. You can also check him out at his Theeditor50's blog. He welcomes your comments.


Posted on September 8, 2020

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BOOKS - Searching For The World's Largest Owl.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - New Mop Shaped Like Taco.

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