What Kind Of Town Is Chicago?

We asked a man on the street.

1. Is this a 'Tastes Great' town, or a 'Less Filling' town?
Man on the street: That one's easy. Even our pizza is overweight.

2. Is this a Dick Phelan town, or a Dick Devine town?
Man on the street: Unfortunately a Dick Phelan town. Even our manliest man, da Coach, does Levitra commercials.

3. Is this an "Eye for an Eye", or a "Turn the Other Cheek" town?
Man on the street: Depends on the neighborhood. Depends on the cheek.

4. Is this an Oprah town, or a Jerry Springer town?
Man on the street: Ask William Ligue.

5. Is this a Field Museum town, or a Museum of Science and Industry town?
Man on the street: The Museum of Science and Industry, because a green Mold-A-Rama of Lincoln's head is way better than a blue Mold-A-Rama of a Triceratops.

6.Is this a freeze-your-ass-off town, or a freeze-your-balls-off town?
Man on the street: It's a freeze-your-balls-off town. Totally. After last night's walk home from the gym, I noticed I totally had no testicles, man. Well, they were, like, way smaller than before.

7. Is this a corrupt, fraudulent aldermen kind of town, or a crooked, profiteering aldermen kind of town?
Man on the street: You see, well the thing is, most aldermen are ho's.

8. Is this a Craigslist town or an eBay town?
Man on the Internet: FAST SHIPPING!! GR8 EBAYER!! SOOOOOO CUTE!! A+++++++++

9. Is this a Casimir Pulaski Day Parade town, or a Bud Billiken Day Parade town?
Man on the street: Porozmawiajmy. Jaki jest Twoj numer telefonu?

10. I this an "I got rich and moved to Winnetka" town, or an "I got rich and moved to Wilmette" town?
Man on the street: Get off my fucking lawn before I call the cops.

11. Is this a Leopold town, or is this a Loeb town?
Man on the street: Well now, you have to remember that Leopold was a student of philosophy here at the University, and early on he was drawn to Nietzsche's criticisms of moral codes applying to those he defined as "Ubermensch" or "Supermen," if you will . . . oh, you'll have to excuse me; I'm late for an Accelerated Elementary Modern Greek II class.

12. Is this a "sweat-into-a-coma" town, or a "dead-in-heat-wave" town?
Man on the street: With all this booze sucking up my moisture, I tend to run out of sweat pretty fast.

13. Is this a Buckingham Fountain town, or a North Ave. Beach town?
Man in the street: Neither. It's a town where taxpayers first get soaked, then get spit upon.

14. Is this a strong-arm police department town, or an electroshock-torture police department town?
Man on the street: That depends upon if you're black or white.

15. Are we a tunnel-fire town, or a track-jumping town?
Man on the street: The great thing about Chicago is, we've got it all.