United We Merge

United Airlines recently failed in its third merger attempt this year. Our consultants at Beachwood Labs have determined that the airlines business is so screwed-up that the last thing any airline should do is double-down on a losing hand. Instead, United should think more creatively. Our computers spit out the following merger partners the airline should explore.

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ESPN: Pilots shout "boo-yeah!" after sticking landings; witty banter includes gems like "Call 911! Our left engine is el fuego!"

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Wal-Mart: Part-time greeters without health insurance replace flight attendants.

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The Obama campaign: I mean, duh.

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Oprah: Wider seats, better food, departing gifts.

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The Cook County Democratic Party: Planes would never leave the gate but the payroll would grow exponentially. And the new jobs would be really easy; you wouldn't even have to show up.

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The CTA: The jokes write themselves.

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McDonald's: The extra value meals will come with frequent flyer miles; wilting salads come alive at 35,000 miles.

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City Hall: Mayor Daley will "privatize" O'Hare and Midway by contracting to let United manage them; American will be expelled from both by inspectors who suddenly do their job. In a three-way deal, McDonald's will maintain the concession contracts. The mayor's brothers will handle the legal work, bonding and insurance, and the mayor will insist he knew nothing about it.

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Motorola: New navigation technology will get airplanes to their gates 1.5 seconds sooner, dramatically improving on-time performance.

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Tribune Company: This is your captain, Sam Zell, speaking. I might fly this thing into the ditch, but at least you'll enjoy the ride! Now ease on back, our feature film this evening is XXX-Men.

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Manchester United: Wouldn't have to totally repaint the planes.

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Aon: The business model would shift to reviving the flight insurance market.

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Apple: New iPlanes would look supercool, even if they ran a little hot.

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Yahoo: They need a merger partner too, and Yahoo United has a certain ring to it.

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Fox News: Fox News United also has a certain ring to it. Save money the UPS way by prohibiting left turns.

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FedEx: Somehow their planes are profitable and get there on time. Get access to the secret recipe.

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Dunkin' Donuts: Eliminating Middle East routes plus any destinations that sound vaguely Arabic will save money, attract the Fox News demo.

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Chicago Cubs: Learn how to capitalize on a losing brand.

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Al Gore: Solar-powered planes save money on fuel and by not flying when it's cloudy. PowerPoint presentations replace in-flight movies.

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GEICO: Caveman Air!