TribEye Special

The new editor of theTribune, Gerould Kern, has named Jane Hirt, editor of RedEye, his managing editor. Yes, that's right: the editor of RedEye - who as far as I can tell has never been a reporter - is now the managing editor of the Chicago Tribune.

Here are some other changes the new Tribune management team has in store:

* Editorial board replaced by the cast of The Hills.

* Editor of Streetwise new director of circulation.

* New texting-based style guide eliminating vowels will help shave newsprint costs.

* Instead of offering daycare, new Trib employees can enroll in day care themselves.

* The Trib will save money by replacing the vehicle fleet with skateboards.

* The Trib will save money by shrinking the TV grid, eliminating the History Channel, Discovery, C-Span and PBS.

* Tribune will now take summers off to get in some "me" time.

* Alumni Tribune edition, to be marketed to seniors.

* New features editor: Billy Dec.

* Investigative unit replaced by Trixie Team.

* Tribune stories will now be only as long as Twitter allows.

* Zell buys CTA as an investment in his new core readership.

* Quotes from unfamiliar artists like Bob Dylan to be removed from Zell team's newsroom posters and memos.

* Two reporters, a blogger, a photographer and a web producer to be assigned to the new Pete Wentz beat.

* Paper will shrink in size by eliminating all news that could be construed as "depressing."

* Feature section to be written totally in emoticons. Like, totally.

* New sports feature: Which team has the hottest fans?

* All business beats eliminated; reporters now assigned to malls.

* New metro columnist: John Cusack.

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