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Three Words Of Advice To College FreshmenAn e-mail I sent out to Team Beachwood on Wednesday: Columnist Eric Zorn offers three words that all incoming college freshmen should take to heart. I'm so proud of Team Beachwood's responses: * Liquor before beer. * Don't read comments. * Take late classes. * Skip the readings. * Parents big donors. * Photos of dean. * Have Rich Parents. * Beg. Borrow. Refinance. * "It probably shouldn't surprise me he'd write such a hoary column, but still - has the man paid no attention to campus assaults in recent years? Shouldn't that be something for students of both genders (or their column-reading parents) to consider? Sigh. Give Marty his column (and income and health care). "Although I'd be even happier if Zorn's three words had been Try gay sex, with a discussion of how he wishes he had before he left college, b/c now that he's married and saddled with kids, it's more complicated to explore alternative lifestyles. I'd read that column." * Ignore columnists' advice. * Fake ID card. * Administrators screwing you. * Buy good pot. * Covet Schmich's Pulitzer. * Reject newspaper paywalls. * Duty. Humanity. Naivete. * We don't care. * Obfuscate. Rationalize. Succeed. * Drink. Cheat. Graduate. * Graduate. Bitch. Moan. * Loans. Juice. Servitude. * Don't rock boat. * Shut. Up. Dad. * Blowhard. Dad. Leaving. * Bang more chicks. * "Who the hell is he even writing for? No college student is reading him. Is anyone under 50 even aware the Trib has columnists? (Or that the Trib itself exists?)" * No means no. * Bro means no. * Say no bro. * Bros are dicks. * Plastics - wait, that's post-grad. * Self-esteem. Self-aggrandizement. Selfies! * "Based on my students, they seem to adhere to these three words of wisdom: Adderall. Piercings. Excuses." * Well, spoiler alert, but if you want to have parallel constructions, here are Zorn's: Perseverance. Curiosity. Perspective. Beer. Pizza. Coffee. * My three-word response to Zorn's three words: Jesus. Fucking. Christ. Contributors: Marty Gangler, Natasha Julius, Tim Willette, Mike Luce, Tom Chambers, Helene Smith, Mike Knezovich, Steve Rhodes - Posted on August 13, 2015 |
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