Three Words Of Advice To College Freshmen

An e-mail I sent out to Team Beachwood on Wednesday:

Columnist Eric Zorn offers three words that all incoming college freshmen should take to heart.

So, I haven't clicked through. It scares me. So I was thinking, we could either/or predict what Zorn's three words are, and/or each offer our own three words. For example:

ZORN: Study even harder.

ME: Wear a condom.

I'm so proud of Team Beachwood's responses:

* Liquor before beer.

* Don't read comments.

* Take late classes.

* Skip the readings.

* Parents big donors.

* Photos of dean.

* Have Rich Parents.

* Beg. Borrow. Refinance.

* "It probably shouldn't surprise me he'd write such a hoary column, but still - has the man paid no attention to campus assaults in recent years? Shouldn't that be something for students of both genders (or their column-reading parents) to consider? Sigh. Give Marty his column (and income and health care).

"Although I'd be even happier if Zorn's three words had been Try gay sex, with a discussion of how he wishes he had before he left college, b/c now that he's married and saddled with kids, it's more complicated to explore alternative lifestyles. I'd read that column."

* Ignore columnists' advice.

* Fake ID card.

* Administrators screwing you.

* Buy good pot.

* Covet Schmich's Pulitzer.

* Reject newspaper paywalls.

* Duty. Humanity. Naivete.

* We don't care.

* Obfuscate. Rationalize. Succeed.

* Drink. Cheat. Graduate.

* Graduate. Bitch. Moan.

* Loans. Juice. Servitude.

* Don't rock boat.

* Shut. Up. Dad.

* Blowhard. Dad. Leaving.

* Bang more chicks.

* "Who the hell is he even writing for? No college student is reading him. Is anyone under 50 even aware the Trib has columnists? (Or that the Trib itself exists?)"

* No means no.

* Bro means no.

* Say no bro.

* Bros are dicks.

* Plastics - wait, that's post-grad.

* Self-esteem. Self-aggrandizement. Selfies!

* "Based on my students, they seem to adhere to these three words of wisdom: Adderall. Piercings. Excuses."

* Well, spoiler alert, but if you want to have parallel constructions, here are Zorn's:

Perseverance. Curiosity. Perspective.

Beer. Pizza. Coffee.

* My three-word response to Zorn's three words: Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

Contributors: Marty Gangler, Natasha Julius, Tim Willette, Mike Luce, Tom Chambers, Helene Smith, Mike Knezovich, Steve Rhodes

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Comments welcome.

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