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The Week in WTF

1. Jody Weis, WTF?

Chicago top cop Jody Weis has gone all Hill Street Blues with a secret summit to order the bad gang guys to stop the grotesque level of public killings. A little killing? Sure, we can deal with that. A few bodies of fellow bangers caught in the crossfire? Cost of doing business.

But, WTF, so many bodies of honor roll students on their way to Scout meetings or church is bad for business. Plus, even the TV stations and newspapers start to notice.

It's a question of orderly retail versus messy wholesale. So Captain Furillo has to gather Jesus Martinez, Tommy Mann and Ernesto to put the kibosh on the bloodbath. (WTF offers special coupons for those who can name the three actors who played the roles).

Weis gave the ganglords a "be good, or else" ultimatum. Apparently the "or else" is traffic tickets and general rousting. The penalty is to make the killers' lives, 'ya know, uncomfortable. They might even get really serious by applying federal racketeering laws (we'll repo the gold teeth and Escalades). Must have mislaid that law last year when we didn't care as much as we do now.

"They said they would get us if we don't stop the killing," said Labar "Bro Mann" Spann, erstwhile leader of the Four Corners Hustlers

If they stop killing people, the police also promise to help with jobs.

Jobs. JOBS? w-THE-f. Really?

If we had only known it was that easy to stop gang warfare.

Once this program works Weis plans to meet with Richie D., the Chicago City Council and the state Democrat leadership and order them all to stop the corruption. The cops can place Richie with a trash pickup crew in Millennium Park.

The worst effect of this from Weis's view is that it gives lowlifes like WGN-AM mushmouther Jim Laski (D-Convicted) a platform to call for his resignation. That truly is a WTF moment.

2. George Ryan, WTF?

The old guv wants to get out of prison - again, still? - because he was never guilty. NEVER! Or at least mostly not guilty.

Though, of course, he was guilty. In fact, in 2008 he admitted he was guilty of cheating Illinois out of honest government through a statement read by Jim Thompson.

You can understand that George doesn't think any prison time in Terre Haute is fair. I've been to Terre Haute. Sort of feel Bubba's pain.

But WTF, can't aging thieves just say that, yes, life sucks sometimes but on the other hand I was guilty and I got caught? He can wish other guilty people had been caught, but after benefiting from the breaks of privilege, power and perks for much of his public life, karma finally rose up and bit him on the ass.

If he offered the "my-ass-is-sore defense" and asked for forgiveness, mercy would be a reasonable counter-offer. But apparently he never really believed he was a crook and still doesn't.

3. John Cusack and Fox, WTF?

Erstwhile Chicagoan John Cusack (actually he's from Evanston, but that's close enough for government work) has gone verbally postal on Fox News. He seems to imply they are unfair. We here at WTF are all charter members of his Satanic Death Cult to be constructed on the stoop outside Fox's headquarters. Sounds like more fun than the Kiwanis.

Fox's DNA double helix apparently is missing the "it's a joke" gene. As Spock said: "Humor. A difficult concept."

Fox's response to Cusack is that - now pay really close attention - feeble-minded yahoos might be inspired to do violence by a politically driven activist who suggests he is on the side of righteousness and maybe even God.

WTF. Mr. Pot meet Mr. Kettle. "Say, aren't you black, too?" one says.

Personally, those of us here at WTF often have wondered why progressive/leftist/liberal/pinko aficionados haven't recruited a truly nutjob lefty to be their media pitchman.

Sort of an unfettered George Carlin version of Glenn Beck.

Progressives have a useless and unappealing need to appear as though they have facts and logic and, WTF, an occasional episode of reflective self-doubt. They even have a sense of humor about themselves. These are all useless qualities in the media sewer we are forced to endure these days. Let us all genuflect at the Altar of Cynicism.

Candidates for lefty pushback? Lewis Black is making too much cash on the HBO/standup circuit. Eddie Izzard can't give up drag. Al Franken got elected to the U.S. Senate and has to act all grown up or else the Republicans will call him a sissy. Howard Stern has been banished to outer space.

Doesn't Jon Stewart need an hour on MSNBC every night and a pre-emptive get-out-of-FCC-jail card to say "fuck"? You should not have to say the words "John Boehner" or "Mitch McConnell" or "Sean Hannity" and not get a free "fuck" in the same sentence. Just saying.

4. The MDA Telethon, WTF?

It's that time of year again for the Jerry Lewis telethon. But first . . . he's announced that he doesn't want Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton showing up for the soiree because they are bad role models.

Jerry Lewis clearly is the right guy to talk about proper standards for troubled brats. Notice how most of Jerry's family never shows up for the telethon? Let's just say that when Jer refers to his ailing poster children as "my kids," there are several men surnamed Lewis who mutter "better them than me."

5. Exelon, WTF?

Here's how corporate fundraising works for a more-or-less local energy company trying not to be left holding a big stinky sack of corporate tailings. Give to candidates who support your business, like now-jettisoned Alaska Sen. Lisa Murkowski, but hedge the bet by buying businesses with a less visible carbon footprint - like wind energy.

So, Exelon gives $9,000 to Murkowski (in case the GOP takes the Senate and oil and coal are saved from the Democrats' hegemonic hordes) but then spends $900 million to buy Deere's wind energy company. (It Blows Like a Deere?) We can guess the conversation at Deere when their execs realized they know how to build green tractors and not much else.

If the GOP wins the Senate (WTF!) and Murkowski had survived, she wouldn't have been just any Republican. She would have been the chairwoman of the Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee. Big wampum! If you could have bought her loyalty for $9,000, it was a swell investment.

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David Rutter is the former publisher/editor of the Lake County News-Sun, a Sun-Times Media property.

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Comments welcome.

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Previously in The Week in WTF:
* TWIWTF: Walter Jacobson, Mark Kirk, the Sun-Times
* TWIWTF: Conrad Murray, Jim Laski, Notre Dame Nation
* TWIWTF: Chris Zorich, Eddie and Jobo, Blago.
* TWIWTF: Burge, Zambrano, Tyree
* TWIWTF: Pundits, LeBron James, Lake County
* TWIWTF: Stroger, Transformers, Six Flags
* TWIWTF: Blago, Channel 2, Cubs
* TWIWTF: Blago, Tribune, Big Z
* TWIWTF: Tribune, CPD, Sun-Times
* TWIWTF: Holdout Juror, Sam Zell, Rosty, Mike North

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Also by David Rutter:
* The Lords of Ireland.

* Speaking of Notre Dame . . .

* Scheduling Notre Dame.

* Spade Robs Farley's Grave.

* Gov. Fester.

* Black Talks, Zell Walks.

* Roeper's Games.

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Plus:
* An excerpt from Rutter's Olga's War



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Posted on September 2, 2010


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