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The Real Reasons Behind The Closing of North Avenue Beach

"Gang loitering, intimidation, flash mobs and violence had nothing to do with the Chicago Police Department's unprecedented decision to close North Avenue beach on a sultry Memorial Day, Acting Police Supt. Garry McCarthy said Wednesday."

The Beachwood has learned the real reasons the beach was closed:

* Test run for privatization.

* Richard M. Daley wanted the day to himself and his Geiger counter.

* Garry McCarthy got his Rapture date all wrong; thought corpses were about to emerge from hidden graves under the sand.

* McCarthy misheard Rahm Emanuel declaring war against teachers; thought he said "beachers."

* Douchebag quotient was at 89 but with heat it "felt like" 101.

* TSA body scanners not yet in place.

* Landshark.

* Landcarp.

* Rumors of flash mob scheduled to arrive, take clothes off, jump into lake, and then "lay out" on towels.

* Obama ordered beachgoers back to pre-1967 borders.

* Survey crew for new Chicago casino needed clear sightlines.

* Just because Rahm could.

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Comments welcome.

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1. From Beachwood Mark:

* Unbeknownst to most of those on the sand, a shark-jumping stunt in the lake went horribly wrong; a marine unit later pulled the body of a leather-clad Arthur Fonzarelli from the water.

* Rahm's new patronage armies needed to practice a good old-fashioned beach invasion just in case land routes prove ineffective.

* Several beachgoers reported seeing a bloated corpse floating in the water, which turned out to be the political career of Jesse Jackson, Jr.; officials speculated that it had been dead for quite some time.

* Budget crunch forces Park District to experiment with scaled-back hours at city beaches; now open at dusk and close at dawn.

* New provision in the parking meter deal about to kick in: Pay boxes for towel spaces.



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Posted on June 2, 2011


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