The Oddscars

For entertainment purposes only. And wagering.

The chance that . . .

Host Ellen DeGeneres will make a crack about being gay: 100 percent. It's still the Academy's idea of titillation. Hers, too.

DeGeneres will have the critics pining for Billy Crystal: 50 percent. Some will pine for Bob Hope.

DeGeneres will joke about the show running long, thereby making the show even longer: 100 percent. Worst-directed televised event year-in, year-out.

Mark Wahlberg's hulking forearms will steal Best Supporting Actor: 66 percent. Maybe it's not your big mouth the Academy really loves, Dignam.

The new Thank You Cam will be a disaster in ways we can't even imagine: 65 percent.The apparently harmless always unleashes unforeseen consequences on the Web .

Mega-bitch behavior will be rewarded: 90 percent. Well, between The Devil Wears Prada and The Queen . . . it stands to be the year of the mega-bitch, doesn't it?

The Best Song winner will be more obnoxious than Three 6 Mafia: 40 percent. Seriously, wouldn't you rather hear a pimp complain than be told to "Waaaa-a-a-a-ake uuuuup"? Or hear about how nice the roads used to be?

A single film will sweep the top five categories: 0 percent. Balls to you, cohesion!

Prince halftime show will feature a phallic silhouette: 0 percent. He rarely repeats himself.

An unbelievable piece of crap will win Best Picture: 0 percent. Don't confuse years.

Animated Feature award will mythologize Oscar in children's hearts: 20 percent. "Not 'til I was 13 did I learn that the Animated Feature award didn't actually mean anything . . . but at least Santa's bringing me the new Happy Feet double-disc rerelease this year, right?"

The Queen will lose for Best Costume Design: 100 percent. Those were costumes?

A streaker will interrupt the proceedings a la the 1974 Oscars: 0 percent. In the age of the Britney Spears beavershot, even 70s nostalgia can't bring streaking back.

We'll be asleep before it's over: 90 percent. Commercials put us to sleep, and that, after all, is what the Oscars are.