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The Oddscars

For entertainment purposes only. And wagering.

The chance that . . .

Host Ellen DeGeneres will make a crack about being gay: 100 percent. It's still the Academy's idea of titillation. Hers, too.

Here's Oscar:
  • Hitchhiker's Guide
  • Red Carpet Ride
  • Best Song Won't Be
  • Geeks & Freaks
  • DeGeneres will have the critics pining for Billy Crystal: 50 percent. Some will pine for Bob Hope.

    DeGeneres will joke about the show running long, thereby making the show even longer: 100 percent. Worst-directed televised event year-in, year-out.

    Mark Wahlberg's hulking forearms will steal Best Supporting Actor: 66 percent. Maybe it's not your big mouth the Academy really loves, Dignam.

    The new Thank You Cam will be a disaster in ways we can't even imagine: 65 percent.The apparently harmless always unleashes unforeseen consequences on the Web .

    Mega-bitch behavior will be rewarded: 90 percent. Well, between The Devil Wears Prada and The Queen . . . it stands to be the year of the mega-bitch, doesn't it?

    The Best Song winner will be more obnoxious than Three 6 Mafia: 40 percent. Seriously, wouldn't you rather hear a pimp complain than be told to "Waaaa-a-a-a-ake uuuuup"? Or hear about how nice the roads used to be?

    A single film will sweep the top five categories: 0 percent. Balls to you, cohesion!

    Prince halftime show will feature a phallic silhouette: 0 percent. He rarely repeats himself.

    An unbelievable piece of crap will win Best Picture: 0 percent. Don't confuse years.

    Animated Feature award will mythologize Oscar in children's hearts: 20 percent. "Not 'til I was 13 did I learn that the Animated Feature award didn't actually mean anything . . . but at least Santa's bringing me the new Happy Feet double-disc rerelease this year, right?"

    The Queen will lose for Best Costume Design: 100 percent. Those were costumes?

    A streaker will interrupt the proceedings a la the 1974 Oscars: 0 percent. In the age of the Britney Spears beavershot, even 70s nostalgia can't bring streaking back.

    We'll be asleep before it's over: 90 percent. Commercials put us to sleep, and that, after all, is what the Oscars are.


    Posted on February 22, 2007

    MUSIC - Chief Keef Changed The Industry.
    TV - Vizio's Best Product Is You.
    POLITICS - UIC: Soda Taxes Work.
    SPORTS - More McCaskey Malpractice.

    BOOKS - All About Poop.

    PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Don't Let Your Pet OD.

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