The Great American Jobs Machine

JOBS AMERICANS WON'T DO:

1. Work 80 hours a week picking fruit in the Florida heat for $2 a day.

2. Learn the names of their political representatives.

3. Be Naomi Campbell's personal assistant.

4. Certain wrestling smackdowns.

5. Clean hotel lobby restrooms used by conventioneers for $7/hour.

6. Bat .210 for less than $2 milllion a year.

7. Sacrifice for the public good.

8. Work as an indentured servant in a bleak Southern chicken parts factory alongside children.

9. Fix a speeding ticket for less than $37.95.

10. Pass meaningful immigration reform.

JOBS AMERICANS WILL DO:

1. Spy on fellow citizens.

2. Game show host.

3. Bull semen collection.

4. Human semen donation.

5. Produce Hannity & Colmes.

6. Surrogate motherhood.

7. Manage the Chicago Cubs.

8. Have their lives filmed and ridiculed 24 hours a day.

9. Full body cavity searching.

10. Sell political favors for campaign cash.