The Five Dumbest Ideas of The Week

1. Giving indie director Eric Schaeffer his own reality show is like asking Gary Busey to host the Oscars - it's an invitation to a disaster of epic proportions. Schaeffer's program, "I Can't Believe I'm Still Single," Sundays on Showtime, is an extension of his blog and book of the same name. Each week Schaeffer travels from city to city trying to meet the woman of his dreams while providing a running commentary on his chocolate cake binges, sexual fetishes, frequent colonics and sincere desire to be a parent when he turns 50.

2. Today we're taking out our Oprah Winfrey gratitude journal and expressing thanks that we've never had occasion to down a Luther Burger, supposedly a favorite of the late Luther Vandross - a pound of ground beef with five strips of bacon, onion and cheese packed inside two Krispy Kreme glazed donuts.

3. There may be a place for displaying naked Barbie dolls, but your car's dashboard definitely isn't it. That must have come to a shock to Robert Martin of Cape May, N.J., who was arrested for decorating his car's interior with porno magazines, a tray filled with women's panties, and Barbie. It's almost close enough to be installation art, but in reality Martin is just a really creepy guy.

4. We sense that President Bush has a brilliant career ahead of him coming up with one-liners for gag gifts.. He appeared to be auditioning for the job on Monday when he departed from his last G-8 summit, chortling "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter."

5. Finally, don't say "bite me" while waiting in line at a certain South Carolina Burger King drive-thru because there's a good chance that patron Gary Neil Eastwood will take you up on it. Eastwood not only rear-ended customer Thomas Easterling's car, but also bit his nose off when Easterling complained about it. Maybe they were out of Luther Burgers.

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Top Five Bonus!

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Top Five Apologies of the Week

1.
Apologizer: Jesse Jackson
Injured Party: Barack Obama
Subject: Expression of desire to sever Obama's testicles.

2.
Apologizer: Boulder District Attorney Mary Lacy
Injured Party: John and Patsy Ramsey
Subject: All those years of cable news cross-examination.

3.
Apologizer: The American Medical Association.
Injured Party: African American doctors
Subject: All those years severing their testicles.

4.
Apologizer: The White House
Injured Party: Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi
Subject: Confusing him with President Bush.

5.
Apologizer: Smitty's restaurant
Injured Party: The family of an autistic girl
Subject: Not having the testicles to stand up to real problem customer.

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Stephanie Goldberg brings you The Five Dumbest Ideas of the Week every Friday. Nominations welcome.