The Five Dumbest Ideas Of The Week

By Stephanie B. Goldberg

1. Q: What do you call it when Patti Blagojevich dines on a tarantula on NBC's I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here?

A: Professional courtesy.

2. Memo to Secretary of Energy Steven Chu: You did a great job of scrubbing the Government Printing Office website of that 266-page "sensitive" report on civilian nuclear stockpiles.

It's a pity you didn't get to this one. Or this one.

3. How do you escape your lurid past as a former stripper, coke whore, raging nymphomaniac, and police informant who rolled over on a member of the Medellin cartel?

If you're Danielle Staub, you become a featured member of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, because, on top of being a former stripper, coke whore, raging nymphomaniac and police informant who rolled over on a member of the Medellin cartel, you're just not terribly bright.

4. If your face is saggy, baggy or craggy, pay close attention. This week the Home Shopping Network unveiled the Facial Trainer helmet, a neoprene/spandex ski mask that provides resistance while you perform a series of facial aerobics and provide your life partner with grounds for divorce in 16 states. At $200 per, it's flying off shelves. New Jersey housewives are a large market.

5. Lawsuit of the Week: Janine Sugawara's failed class action, which asked for damages from Pepsico, owner of Quaker Oats, to cope with her disappointment upon learning that the crunchberries in Cap'n Crunch were not real berries at all, but actually colored bits of cereal.

The suit was dismissed by a California federal court but we're wondering if she'll refile when she learns that Cap'n Crunch isn't a real Cap'n.

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The Five Dumbest Ideas of the Week appears in this space every Friday. Stephanie Goldberg welcomes your comments.