The Five Dumbest Ideas of The Week

1. Actually, I don't much mind the idea of a bistro specializing in canine cuisine. Picture Lady and the Tramp sharing a strand of spaghetti to the strains of "Bella Notte," the dogs' owners pressing their wet little noses against the window, the waiter proffering a gnarled suede bedroom slipper as an amuse bouche. Nope, what bugs me is naming the joint Doggie Style.

2. How do you find Barack Obama in a crowded room? Hint: He's the one standing in front of the blue pseudo-presidential seal. Or at least he was for all of one day when said seal was deep-sixed due to embarrassing reviews. Now Illinois' favorite front-runner will have to look presidential without any aid from the prop department. Fortunately, that's not very hard, considering how much Bush has done to lower the bar.

3. My phallic skyscraper is better than yours! It was just a matter of time until Chicago's screw-shaped Spire was one-upped by an architect with an even bigger Edifice Complex than Santiago Calatrava. Italian architect David Fisher recently unveiled plans for a tower that's in perpetual motion. The good news is that it affords a 360-degree view. The bad news is it will cost you up to $100,000 per degree.

4. Who has the patience for Eight Minute Abs or even those silly belts that zap your obliques into submission? No need when you can paint a trompe l'oeil version of a six-pack on your tummy, courtesy of Abs in a Box for Men. Quicker than you can say "speedo," you have a chiseled midsection that will fool anyone standing . . . at least 20 feet away.

5. If you build it, they will come. Or so thought the group of Ukrainian undertakers responsible for "Eternity," presumably the world's largest coffin-shaped theme restaurant. The inside is a funereal black, accented by columns of coffins, ghastly floral arrangements and votive candles at every table. Finally, a place to go to unload those annoying eHarmony dates.

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Honorable Mention:

- Bonnie McGrath suggests the UK might want to rethink approval of a diet drug already linked to suicide and depression.

- Julia Gray is more than a little put off by the notion of a mobile whorehouse.

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