Chicago - Jul. 12, 2022
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The False Promise of eBay

Online auction giant eBay claims in its commercials that "Whatever IT is, you can get it on eBay." We at the Beachwood decided to put this to the test. What we discovered was shocking. There are, in fact, numerous things that you can't buy on eBay, including the following:

1. An elephant.

2. West Nile Virus.

3. Karma.

4. A booger.

5. The Stanley Cup. (You can, however, get an inflatable replica.)

6. A 1986 Chicago Tribune from when the Bears won the Super Bowl.

7. A Billy Joe Tolliver jersey.

8. A City of Chicago job.

9. Anything with the name "Stroger" on it. Unless you're looking for legendary bluesman Bob Stroger.

10. Tony Peraica's sense of direction.

11. A human baby.

12. A 1979 Toyota Corolla.

13. A meth lab kit

14. A copy of the FBI's files on Mayor Daley.

15. Amelia Earhart's wreckage.

16. Dignity.

17. The gum Ditka threw at a 49ers fan.

18. David Mark Karr fan club membership.

19. Amish electronics.

20. A virgin.

21. William Shatner's body hair.

22. Marshall Applewhite's secret recipe.

23. A lock of Joan of Arc's hair.

24. The Magnificent Ambersons: Director's Cut.

25. eBay.


- ML Van Valkenburgh, Scott Gordon, Rick Kaempfer, Tim Willette



Permalink

Posted on December 9, 2006


MUSIC - Chief Keef Changed The Industry.
TV - Vizio's Best Product Is You.
POLITICS - UIC: Soda Taxes Work.
SPORTS - More McCaskey Malpractice.

BOOKS - All About Poop.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Don't Let Your Pet OD.


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