The Chicago Way Out

We all know about The Chicago Way, but the good folks at Beachwood Labs have determined that there is also a Chicago Way Out - surefire suicide methods unique to our fair city. To wit:

* Standing between Jim Belushi and the camera at any Chicago sporting event.

* Honking Joey "The Clown" Lombardo's nose right after spraying selzer water on him.

* Geting in between the governor and his comb.

* Wielding a cell phone while driving black.

* Getting in between Jay Mariotti and any member of the Chicago sports media or any member of a Chicago sports team.

* Riding in a convertible with an FDR lookalike.

* Dressing up as a single-family home in Wicker Park.

* Strapping oneself to any historic city landmark.

* Telling Santiago Calatrava that his Chicago Spire looks like a fuckin' twizzler.

* Chugging your drink every time one of the White Sox announcers complains about the Sox pitcher's strike zone being "squeezed" by the umps.

* Asking any Duff family member if they are the brewers of Duff Beer.

* Asking any Daley family member if they're the brewers of Duff Beer.

* Getting between Todd Stroger and his stupid pills.

* Putting yourself into an unrecoverable coma by listening to 72 consecutive hours of WXRT.

* Ingesting a pinch of arsenic every time Hawk Harrelson says "duck snort."

* Dressing as third base for Halloween next year and ring Lou Piniella's door bell.

* Dressing as a fag for Halloween next year and ring Ozzie Guillen's door bell.

* Taking a job tutoring Todd Stroger and see how long it takes for your brain to shrivel into a non-functioning bowl of jelly.

* Dwelling on Jennifer Hunter's salary.

* Actually eating a meal at the Billy Goat.

* Death by a thousand papercuts received sifting through denied FOIA requests to the city.

* Self-immolation on a pyre of discarded RedEyes.

* Dwelling on Stella Foster's salary.

* Watching local TV news every day for a week until your brain seizes up and induces a catatonic state that freezes all mental activity.

* Making foie gras out of yourself.

* Instead of jumping onto the tracks in front of oncoming El trains, stay on the trains and take your chances.