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The Beachwood Guide To The Chicago Merc's Holiday Party

Got questions about the Chicago Merc holiday party? We've got answers.

* Black tie not required but golden parachutes suggested.

* Rahm Emanuel bobbleheads to the first 100 guests.

* Don't forget to sell tip futures to your bartenders.

* On the menu: Pork bellies served in pork barrels.

* Party will be moved to either Wisconsin or Indiana unless Illinois taxpayers agree to cover CME's bar tab for the evening.

* No mistletoe; please exchange holiday kisses under replicas of Pat Quinn's balls.

* Warning: Our parking valets do not look like Guy Fawkes.

* Remember: Class war is tax-deductible and therefore encouraged.

* MF Global funds can be left in an envelope in the cloakroom, no questions asked.

* Party attendance represents a legal contract releasing the exchange from liability for all future or past trading anomalies, broadly defined.

* Sorry, but it's BYOC(oke).

* Sears employees trying to crash the party will be turned away at the door.

* Please gather at the windows on the LaSalle Street side at midnight for the McDonald's Application Drop.

* Those whose net worth drops below eight figures at any point in the evening will be asked to leave.

- Nick Shreders, J.J. Tindall, Thomas Chambers, Matt Farmer, Steve Rhodes

Comments welcome.


Posted on December 6, 2011

MUSIC - Chief Keef Changed The Industry.
TV - Vizio's Best Product Is You.
POLITICS - UIC: Soda Taxes Work.
SPORTS - More McCaskey Malpractice.

BOOKS - All About Poop.


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