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The Beachwood Celebrity Death WatchOdds of death in 2011 with attendant most likely cause. Patrick Kane: 10-1. Outside the Viper Room with Miley Cyrus. Eddie Vrdolyak: 50-1. Shanked at federal prison camp in Terre Haute, Indiana. Ed Burke: 100-1. Shanked in city council anteroom just hours after Rahm takes his security detail away. Richard M. Daley: 250-1. Fatal car accident. He hasn't driven a car since 1989. Richard M. Daley: 500-1. Multiple contusions and skull fractures from walking into a door. He hasn't opened a door for himself since 1989. Richard M.Daley: 500-1. Colon cancer. Hasn't wiped his own ass since 1989. Billy Corgan: 25-1. Sheer exhaustion of being Billy Corgan. The Chicago Code: 4-1. Low ratings. Mr. T: 800-1. Exhaustion from 36-hour World of Warcraft marathon session. Just needed one . . . more . . . mohawk grenade to complete a quest. Jody Weis: 500-1. Takes off running when hearing gunshots three blocks away, runs head-first into a parking meter box. Rahm Emanuel 25-1: Head explodes trying to fight a parking ticket sent to him for Rob Halpin's car. Pat Quinn: 100-1. Spine implant doesn't take. Chuck Norris: 1,000,000-1. Chuck Norris. Carlos Zambrano: 1,000-1. Beaten to death with a Gatorade cooler by an unnamed infielder. Ozzie and Oney Guillen: 1,000-1. Accidentally just slipped and fell in the White Sox shower room, according to Kenny Williams. Blago: 500-1. Bludgeoned in a prison cell by a tire iron that was just fucking golden. Charlie Sheen: 5-1. Deadly mixture of Percocet, tequila and actual tiger blood. Charlie Sheen: 30-1. Assassinated by an actual high priest Vatican assassin warlock who didn't appreciate the comparison. Charlie Sheen: 50-1. Snorted enough cocaine for two-and-a-half men. Jay Cutler: 400-1. Head trauma received from a ping pong accident. Brian Urlacher: 500-1. Hell knows no fury like baby mamas scorned. - Nick Shreders, Steve Rhodes - Posted on March 7, 2011 |
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