Chicago - Mar. 19, 2022
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The Beachwood Celebrity Death Watch

Odds of death in 2011 with attendant most likely cause.

Patrick Kane: 10-1. Outside the Viper Room with Miley Cyrus.

Eddie Vrdolyak: 50-1. Shanked at federal prison camp in Terre Haute, Indiana.

Ed Burke: 100-1. Shanked in city council anteroom just hours after Rahm takes his security detail away.

Richard M. Daley: 250-1. Fatal car accident. He hasn't driven a car since 1989.

Richard M. Daley: 500-1. Multiple contusions and skull fractures from walking into a door. He hasn't opened a door for himself since 1989.

Richard M.Daley: 500-1. Colon cancer. Hasn't wiped his own ass since 1989.

Billy Corgan: 25-1. Sheer exhaustion of being Billy Corgan.

The Chicago Code: 4-1. Low ratings.

Mr. T: 800-1. Exhaustion from 36-hour World of Warcraft marathon session. Just needed one . . . more . . . mohawk grenade to complete a quest.

Jody Weis: 500-1. Takes off running when hearing gunshots three blocks away, runs head-first into a parking meter box.

Rahm Emanuel 25-1: Head explodes trying to fight a parking ticket sent to him for Rob Halpin's car.

Pat Quinn: 100-1. Spine implant doesn't take.

Chuck Norris: 1,000,000-1. Chuck Norris.

Carlos Zambrano: 1,000-1. Beaten to death with a Gatorade cooler by an unnamed infielder.

Ozzie and Oney Guillen: 1,000-1. Accidentally just slipped and fell in the White Sox shower room, according to Kenny Williams.

Blago: 500-1. Bludgeoned in a prison cell by a tire iron that was just fucking golden.

Charlie Sheen: 5-1. Deadly mixture of Percocet, tequila and actual tiger blood.

Charlie Sheen: 30-1. Assassinated by an actual high priest Vatican assassin warlock who didn't appreciate the comparison.

Charlie Sheen: 50-1. Snorted enough cocaine for two-and-a-half men.

Jay Cutler: 400-1. Head trauma received from a ping pong accident.

Brian Urlacher: 500-1. Hell knows no fury like baby mamas scorned.

- Nick Shreders, Steve Rhodes


Comments welcome.

Posted on March 7, 2011

MUSIC - Chief Keef Changed The Industry.
TV - Vizio's Best Product Is You.
POLITICS - UIC: Soda Taxes Work.
SPORTS - More McCaskey Malpractice.

BOOKS - All About Poop.


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