Tab Wars

The Beachwood Tabloid Affairs Desk has learned that the Sun-Times is considering the following competitive responses to the Tribune's new tabloid edition.

* Eliminate paper and just sell Obama merchandise.

* Make S-T "to-goier."

* Replace paper with the Chicago Sun-Twitter.

* Trade Rich Roeper to the Tribune for the installation disk for Mac 10.5.

* New "Sun-Times At Night" edition for adults only.

* Toy surprise inside!

* Will literally sell papers for food.

* New value deal will include fries and a Coke with each purchase.

* Will begin printing daily transcripts of that day's Oprah.

* New 365-part front-page series on what makes Obama so great.

* Every paper tied up in a Lewis Lazare bow-tie.

* Sports Sudoku!

* Make Neil Steinberg write his columns in Esperanto "because it just makes sense."

* Announce "Draw A Funny Face On Sneed" contest. Cash, subscriptions, and T-shirts for best use of mustache and devil horns.

* Poach "Batboy" stories from Weekly World News.

* "Bob Greene! He's tan, rested and ready - and we've got him!"

* Greene and Steinberg At The Movies.

* Obama's dog blog.

* Page Six, Nine and Twelve Girls!

* New contest: First one to find Jay Mariotti and kick him in the shins wins lifetime subscription.

* Finally accept that investment offer from the Mob; new niche products to include Today in Racketeering and How To Get The Most Out Of Your Union.

* Tell Hell's Angels that Sam Zell was the one who knocked over their Harleys the other day.

- Rick Kaempfer, Scott Buckner, Steve Rhodes

New Additions!
* Will make website smaller.

* Will shrink egos of Steinberg and Roeper to more manageable sizes.

* Will fire staff to save costs and steal content from Huffington Post instead.

Send in your ideas!

A Beachwood reader suggests . . .
* Collectible Medallions of convicted public officials - a new one each day!

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