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Starbucks City

Starbucks announced last week that it planned to double the number of its stores in America; Chicago is line for at least 250 more locations. That's right - 250. More. Starbucks.

Where will they go? A Beachwood analysis of sophisticated caffeine-use mapping software, integrated into an Excel spreadsheet of current city zoning designations, parsed with data gleaned from company financial reports and aldermanic campaign disclosure statements, has yielded an answer. Welcome to Starbucks City, Chicago-style.

1 - 10. Terminal 5 at O'Hare airport becomes The International Starbucks Terminal.
11 - 12. The big freaky face fountains will now spout Starbucks.
13. Macy's bought by Starbucks; store renamed.
14. Starbucks wins vending contract at Soldier Field to serve new upscale fans.
15. Starbucks at Sea floating store on Lake Michigan.
16 - 45. Maxwell Street Market becomes Starbucks Street Market.
46. Starbucks coffee carts on CTA trains. That way riders won't know who's just horribly scalded and who got burns from subway fires.
47. Tired of the concessions competition from the elotes carts, Starbucks launches their own "caffelotes" carts featuring corn on the cob with a chai-mocha-latte mayonaisse.
48 - 85. Four words: Block. Thirty. Seven. Starbucks.
86 - 91. Starbucks erects tasteful "grieving kiosks" in Chicago's historic cemeteries for the winter months. Includes a "buy one for yourself, get a free one for the dead person" deal.
92 - 142. Tribune newsroom, to wake them up.
143. Cubs dugout, to wake them up.
144. Starbuckingham Fountain.
145. Starbucks Sue at the Field.
146. Starbucks Central Station.
147. Bribes now acceptable in Star Bucks.
148. "Streetwise & Starbucks" campaign launched.
149. Starbucks security kiosks at the airports. Plenty of time for a Venti.
150 - 152. Mega Starbucks stores in wards whose aldermen flip-flopped to support the mayor's veto of the big-box ordinance.
153. Foie Starbucks. Customers are force-fed lattes until their kidneys explode. Sizes: Tall, Venti, Grande, and Foie Grande.
154. The Bean renamed The Colombia Narino Supremo Bean, Only At Starbucks.
155. In Todd Stroger's office. A lot of sucking going on there already.
156. Zoning change requires every new condo building to come with its own Starbucks. And vice versa.
157. New advertising campaign featuring Mike Ditka: Starbucks has been shown to combat balding, obesity, diabetes and erectile dysfunction . . . ask your doctor today!
158. Washington Mutual offers free Starbucks franchise with every new home-equity loan. And free checking.
159. Creepy-ass Harry Caray statue in front of Wrigley Field spews espresso from his outstretched hand; steamed milk flows from the dessicated demon-child faces clustered around his knees.
160. Water Department switches from heroin to cappuccino.
161. Honorary Fred Hampton Frappaccino Way
162. I-Passacinnos.
163. "Virgin Mary" on the Fullerton underpass morphs into Starbucks logo.
164. Tall Transmochas at the Admiral.
165. Garfield Park Conservatory Coffee, served in glass-blown mugs.
166. Police Hot Spot Starbucks Squadrols.
167. In R. Kelly's closet.
168. City salt trucks replaced with scalding hot coffee trucks. Followed immediately by sugar and half-and-half trucks.
169. City to redesignate Grand Avenue as Venti Avenue.
170 - 224. Decades-old tip jars replaced by Starbucks counter models in aldermanic offices.
225 - 249. Police stations provided with free Starbucks house blend for serving to/throwing in the faces of suspects.
250. Mayor Daley replaced by espresso machine for City Hall press conferences.

- Scott Gordon, Natasha Julius, Steve Rhodes, Tim Willette



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Posted on October 3, 2006


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