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Saving Sears

Not only is Sears threatening to leave Chicago, it's threatening to leave the planet. Business Insider pegs Sears as one of its 10 brands that will disappear in 2012. We think that would be a shame.

Here, then, are 20 ways to save Sears.

1. Widen aisles to accommodate flash mobs.

2. Introduce Craftswymyn brand to target lesbian carpenter demographic.

3. Lift longstanding ban on Sam Sianis' goat.

4. Resist impulse to merge with Montgomery Ward.

5. Add slots and video poker to the consumer electronics section.

6. Merge company with Cubs to get back that lovable loser vibe.

7. Internet dating on Sears.com.

8. Sign the GEICO gekko when he becomes a free agent.

9. Genius Bars in all stores - only because it's Sears just call them Safety School Bars.

10. Four words: Parking Meter Maintenance Specialists.

11. Sears's Slushies.

12. Um, sell stuff. I mean, what do they sell these days? Clothes? Craftsman tools? That car battery thingie?

[TIM: It's funny you should ask because the dig on them lately is that they've already abandoned their retail biz and have become a hedge fund:

"As strange as it sounds, this transformation of Sears is now in force. Its retail sales have dropped for five straight years, and managers complain about deteriorating stores. Meanwhile, Sears is pouring its money into risky, esoteric investments to generate huge returns for shareholders."

13. Cancel plans to hire Steve Bartman as spokesman.

14. Cancel plans to buy MySpace.

15. Sears Beer.

16. Sears After Dark at sears.xxx.

17. Flash mob discount.

18. Granny flash mob discount.

19. A hip new mascot.

20. Change name to Amazon.

-

Comments welcome.

-

1. From Beachwood Mark:

* Create some buzz with a "Whatever happened to Roebuck?" campaign.

* Market Toughskins jeans to hipsters.

* Install parking meters on the Sears end of every mall; because everybody knows there's plenty of parking on the Sears end.

* Start selling soft pretzels in the stores - up yours, Auntie Anne.

* New ad campaign aimed at teens: "OMG! Your mom shops at Kohl's."

* Coming soon: Willis Department Store.

* Cancel deal to become Official Outfitter of the 2012 GOP Presidential Field.

* Re-train Photo Studio employees to do crime scene photography.



Permalink

Posted on June 27, 2011


MUSIC - The Weekend In Chicago Rock.
TV - Time For Royal Scroungers To Earn Their Keep.
POLITICS - More College Aid Going To The Rich.
SPORTS - Bears At Peak McCaskey.

BOOKS - Before Breitbart.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Chicagoetry: New Fucking Frying Pan.


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