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Random Food Report: Is That A Hot Pocket In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

1. Hands Off The Hot Pocket!

"The Urban Dictionary describes them as 'the most delicious form of evil.' In a rant viewed more than 2 million times on YouTube, comedian Jim Gaffigan likens them to Pop Tarts filled with 'nasty meat,' best enjoyed if you are 'drunk or heading home to a trailer,'" Ad Age reports.

"Suffice it to say, the Hot Pocket has a bit of a quality-perception problem. But as the Nestle-owned brand turns 30, it's taking on the criticism with a major makeover and campaign touting better ingredients such as 100% angus beef, hickory ham, white-meat chicken and new crusts with baked-in flavors like garlic butter.

"We appreciate the press," said Brand Manager Kevin Holmes, alluding to the brand's well-established place in pop culture. "But we do feel like it's time for us to change the perceptions of quality for the brand."

In other words, they're gonna take the Hot Pocket upscale and ruin a good thing, just like everything else.

2. Beware The Brinkie.

"Twinkies are back," Callie Beusman writes for Jezebel. "No one should be surprised. It's obvious that the Twinkie would reemerge from the maws of death like a creme-filled Lazarus because each Twinkie is built to outlive us all. After the apocalypse, the Cockroach King's palace will be built out of Twinkies. He will sleep on a bed made out of a Big Mac.

"After Hostess fell into bankruptcy eight months ago, the confectionary delight (?) was discontinued. But then, like in Peter Pan, all the children of the world started clapping and chanting and - lo! - the phallic cake was brought back to life. To be more specific, the private equity firm Apollo Global Management and C. Dean Metropoulous and Company bought Hostess's cake division. Magic, people: it's real.

"But now Metropoulous and his two sons, Daren and Evan, are facing a bit of a conundrum. How do they make sure the snack doesn't fail again? Kids these days are juicing their own kale before they've even developed object permanence. To whom do you market this processed calorie-stick? The answer, it seems, is simple. To bros."

In other words, coming soon to Wrigley Field!

3. Two Legs And A Prayer.

"If chicken producers could breed a bird with three legs, they would," the New York Times reports.

"These days, they can hardly keep up with the demand for thighs and other pieces of dark meat that had once been among the least desirable parts of a chicken."

But can you market dark meat to bros?

4. He's Got This Thing And It's Fucking Golden Corral.

"Golden Corral cook Brandon Huber actually likes his job at the national buffet chain's Port Orange, Florida, location," Neetzan Zimmerman writes for Gawker.

"That's why he tried going directly to Golden Corral management first before reaching out to the media about his restaurant's ironic efforts to avoid receiving poor health inspection marks.

"But after being turned down by a number of news outlets, Huber decided to speak directly to the Internet about his branch's practice of storing both raw and cooked foods near the dumpster ahead of the health inspector's visit."

5. 15 Things You Won't Believe On Fast-Food Menus.

Really? Try us.

6. Why The McWrap Is So Important To McDonald's.

Competition from Hot Pockets?


Comments welcome.


Posted on July 16, 2013

MUSIC - Chief Keef Changed The Industry.
TV - Vizio's Best Product Is You.
POLITICS - UIC: Soda Taxes Work.
SPORTS - More McCaskey Malpractice.

BOOKS - All About Poop.


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