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QT: And The Winner Is. . . .


News Headline: "Alabama wins national championship, routing Notre Dame."
All right. Not so fast.
Let's take a closer look at the college football season.
Alabama earlier lost to Texas A&M.
Texas A&M lost to Florida.
Florida lost to Louisville.
Louisville lost to Connecticut.
Connecticut lost to Syracuse.
Syracuse lost to Northwestern.
Which means. . . .
Northwestern is the 2012 National Champion.
Spread the word.
Go Cats!

···

News Headline: "Study: Billions of Earth-size planets in Milky Way."
And we're the one that gets Donald Trump.

···

News Headline: "First national 'Gun Appreciation Day' is January 19."
In other news, a pregnant woman was shot to death on a street in Miami, Fla., as the countdown to Gun Appreciation Day continued. . . .

···

News Headline: "Alabama teen arrested in bomb plot."
And have we considered a long-overdue Bomb Appreciation Day?

···

From an Internet ad for cleaning supplies:
". . . pre-expedited shipping available. . . ."
P.C., a Chicago reader, wants to know when did express shipping become pre-expedited shipping, and when can we have express shipping back?
And. . . .

···

News Headline: "Fiscal Cliff gives way to Fiscal Grand Canyon."
Our metaphor brokers might want to slow down.
All we have left is a Fiscal Mariana Trench.

···
John Pellegrini, a Grand Rapids, Mich., reader, wants you to know that much of Emily Dickinson's poetry can be sung to "The Yellow Rose of Texas."

···

News Headline: "AIG mulling lawsuit alleging unfair bailout terms by U.S. government."
News Headline: "Greedy ungrateful bastards who should be hung by their thumbs."
Which headline do you like better?
Yeah. QT, too.

···

News Item: Survey finds 8 percent of Americans believe Elvis is alive.
News Item: Survey finds 8 percent of Americans now say they are Tea Party members.
No. C'mon.
These are not the same 8 percent.
Well. Not necessarily.
Although. . . .

···

QT What Passes for Miracles These Days Update:
An image of Jesus has been found on an uncooked bean in Chicago.

···

News Headline: "White House petition to let Texas secede."
News Headline: "White House petition to try Dianne Feinstein for treason."
News Headline: "White House petition to save Twinkies."
News Headline: "New White House petition: End petitions."
Problem solved.
See how easy?

···

News Headline: "How Twitter pros describe themselves."
Necessarily in brief, we can be thankful.

···

From the QT Archive of Knowledge:
+ Two percent of British women have tea bags in their purses.
+ Basotho live in Lesotho.

···

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
Dialogue as two detectives enter police headquarters during a recent episode of Blue Bloods on CBS:
DETECTIVE 1: Sorry, but giving up is not my forte. [Pronounces it FORT.]
DETECTIVE 2: You mean For-TAY.
DETECTIVE 1: No. I meant FORT. It's pronounced FORT.
DETECTIVE 2: How much do you want to bet?
DETECTIVE 1: Oh, well, I'll bet you the house. But you know what? Let's start with 20 bucks. I'll go easy on you.
DETECTIVE 2: Done.
DETECTIVE 1: Let's see. [Checks in dictionary at desk.]
DETECTIVE 2: It begins with an "F."
DETECTIVE 1: Yes, I'm aware of that. "Forte." Pronounced FORT. Read it and weep.
DETECTIVE 2: It can't be.
DETECTIVE 1: But it can so be.
Then a lot of people are murdered.
And who says TV isn't educational?


Write to QT at qt@beachwoodreporter.com
Visit QT at facebook.com/zaynsmithqt
QT appears Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.



Permalink

Posted on January 9, 2013


MUSIC - College Radio, Eh?
TV - John King's Dog Whistle.
POLITICS - CTU Strike Notebook.
SPORTS - Beachwood Sports Radio: Run, Mitch, Run.

BOOKS - What We Do To Whistleblowers.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Recall! Chicago's Favorite Gyros Slices.


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