Our Kind of Supercollider

1. "Three hundred feet below the outskirts of Geneva lies part of a 17-mile-long tubular track, circling its way across the French border and back again, whose interior is so pristine and whose nearly 10,000 surrounding magnets so frigid, that it's one of the emptiest and coldest regions of space in the solar system," Brian Greene writes in the New York Times.

It's the Large Hadron Collider, the world's largest particle accelerator that was turned on last week and - according to Wikipedia - may answer questions such as:

* Is the Higgs mechanism for generating elementary particle masses in the Standard Model indeed realised in nature?

* Are electromagnetism, the strong nuclear force and the weak nuclear force just different manifestations of a single unified force, as predicted by various Grand Unification Theories?

* Why is gravity so many orders of magnitude weaker than the other three fundamental forces?

We here at Beachwood Labs have determined that if the LHC's proton beams collide in just the right way, we'll find the answers to these questions too:

* Who hired Angelo Torres?

* Where did Derrek Lee's power go?

* Is Heisenberg's cat dead or alive?

* Why does it seem like a baseball player who makes a great defensive play to end an inning is always the first guy up to bat when the next inning starts?

* Where is the remote?

* How much wood can a woodchuck chuck?

* Can God create laws of physics that even He does not understand?

* Do cell phones cause cancer?

* Could Alou really have caught that ball?

* Why did the chicken cross the road?

* How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

2. Large Hadron Rap

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3. The Large Hardon Collider.

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What other mysteries might the collider solve?

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