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Jobs For The Zombie Apocalypse

I've been poking around the Internet for a new job lately. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of information available. There are pointers and tips available for almost any job seeker, in any position, in any geographic location. Before I am even able to apply for a job, I need to decide if I am a post-industrial worker, in the market for a new media job, or looking for a 100K career (yes, yes and yes).

Sites like Yahoo, MSN and AOL compile my favorite job tip lists. We've all seen them; the ten most recession-proof jobs, the ten most in-demand careers, ten jobs for a new economy. I get them on my e-mail home page all the time, and even though I know I shouldn't, I always click through to them.

I've noticed some similarities in this type of list: Looking for a job in the failed housing economy of the Southeast? Become a nurse. Looking for a post-meltdown job on Wall Street? Become a nurse. Want a high tech job in Silicon Valley? Become a nurse.

These lists are helpful in their way, but I don't want to become a nurse.

Plus, I am a worst-case scenario kind of guy. I am not planning for an economic collapse or another tech bubble; what really worries me is the coming Zombie Apocalypse. An advanced degree in European film studies or Social Media Marketing isn't going to do me any good when the dead rise from their graves to feed upon the living. Humanity will need people who can build things from scratch, with little or no natural resources, all while running from flesh-eating hordes.

Here, then, are ten jobs for the coming Zombie Apocalypse:

1. Potter.

When the only raw materials left are mud and the blood of the innocents, the man who can make a pot will be king. We might all think the hippie kid studying ceramic arts is just in it for the bong hits now, but when the global manufacturing base is eradicated in an orgy of cannibalism, we are going to need him to make all of our durable goods.

2. High School Teacher.

If we are to survive, we'll need leaders used to dealing with glassy-eyed, slack-jawed hordes with pallid skin, and a slavish devotion to hive mentality. The only real way to defeat Zombies is to peel them off, one by one, and teach them to think for themselves and consider the consequences of devouring the flesh of the living. Who better equipped than your sophomore history teacher?

3. Mortician.

I've done some research in secret ancient texts that I found on the Internet, and we might be exaggerating the undead threat. According to some experts, zombies aren't just killing and eating machines. They may want to just get along with the rest of us and they will need medical attention.

4. Hollywood Socialite With a Reality Show.

Zombies are after brains, so you should be fine.

5. Good-Looking Neurobiologist.

Only you can save humanity with the formula. But you have to hurry because time is running out. Qualifications include: looking like Sandra Bullock, the inability to run without falling and a soft spot for burly loners who would rather see us all rot in hell.

6. Investigative Journalist.

Someone needs to uncover how the zombie outbreak is the result of corporate malfeasance and political corruption, and could have been stopped with simple government oversight. Wait, what . . . what do you mean journalism has already been taken over by zombies?

7. Ice Road Trucker.

Turns out zombies can't survive in extreme cold; what remains of humanity will be isolated in the Polar Regions. Only the bravest, burliest, most photogenic tough guys can brave the dangerous conditions to keep humanity supplied.

8. Lemmy.

Nobody fucks with Lemmy. In fact, Lemmy may be the first sign of the zombie war; an undead warrior soul wandering the earth looking for faces to destroy.

9. Wall Street Banker.

Who better to fight the hordes of the undead than blood-sucking, mindless, killing machines used to destroying the lives of millions of innocent people on a greedy whim. Zombies can't really kill something without a soul now, can they?

10. Nurse.

Nursing might be the fastest growing field in America. With most of the population set to retire or be eaten by the undead, the demand for nurses has never been higher. Salaries range from $43,000 to a room in the impenetrable anti-zombie fort built by the San Antonio Air National Guard.

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Comments welcome.

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Other Lists By Drew Adamek:
* Today's Syllabus
* Shit My Dad Says
* Work Weirdos
* Things I Miss About Chicago
* 20 Albums I Wish I Had Never Bought
* Their Chicago
* Cities I've Slept In
* My Favorite 1980s Chicago Radio Memories
* Why Milwaukee Rules
* Why I'm Glad I Don't Live In D.C. Anymore
* The Beer Goggle Recordings
* A List Of Reader Comments To Drew's Lists
* Life's Little Victories
* The Worst Jobs I've Ever Had

Plus:
* Fan Note: Me & Metallica




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Posted on March 17, 2010


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