I've Got Erectile Dysfunction This Christmas

On the 6th day of Christmas, the Beachwood gave to me
A solution for my flaccidity

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I've got erectile dysfunction this Christmas
My turtle wants to hide inside his shell
It's flaccid and it's limp, just like a little boys'
I need a taco warmer I can play with and enjoy

I've got erectile dysfunction this Christmas
I'm hoping Santa Clause will have a clue
He'll leave me a stocking with those pills so blue
Then my hapless Elmer
Can start shooting out some glue

I can see me now on Christmas morning
Sporting a pork sword
Oh what joy and what surprise
When she opens up her eyes
To see my tonsil toothbrush standing there

I've got erectile dysfunction this Christmas
I'm afraid a brand new vacuum pump won't do
I've tried datin' Rosie Palm and her five sisters
But my knuckle shuffle
doesn't launch my morning missile
I can't punch the clown or make old Baldy Puke . . .

So Santa, you think you score me some? A Viagra? How about a few Cialis? I'm begging you man . . .

Kojak, the Bishop, my one-eyed trouser snake
We haven't seen Old Woodrow in a year for goodness sake

OK, I promise I'll call the doctor if I have one that lasts for more than four hours . . . Hey, are those jingle bells in your pocket?

Richard and the Twins, and Honk the Magic Goose
Lord Hardwick, Mr. Plumpy, and the Big Bald-Headed Moose

They can see me now on Christmas morning
With the Mighty Thor
Oh what joy and what surprise
When she opens up her eyes
To see my mutton dagger standing there

I had erectile dysfunction this Christmas
I'm glad that Santa Clause knew what to do
So come and blow the horn, and speak into the mike
We'll stir the macaroni, all through this Christmas night
I've got a bulbous Candy Cane for you

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Previously in The 12 Days of Beachwood Christmas, brought to you by our very own Tom Latourette:

- Day 1: Have a Dysfunctional Family Christmas
- Day 2: Little George Bush
- Day 3: Hillary, Hillary
- Day 4: O Holy Grill
- Day 5: Christmas Lingerie