Chicago - Mar. 19, 2022
Music TV Politics Sports Books People Places & Things
Beachwood PP&T
Our monthly PP&T archive.
Rhymes for the Times.
Beachwood Bookmarks
So You've Decided To Be Evil
Vintage Beer Signs
Easy Bar Tricks
Best of Craigslist
Wacky Packages
Taquitos Snack Food Reviews
How Products Are Made
Everyday Mysteries
Chicago Zombie
Texts From Last Night
Fuck My Life
Awkward Family Photos
Ultra Local Geography
Best Pinball Machine Ever
Land of Sky Beer Waters
Calumet 412
Chicago Patterns
Vince Michael's Time Tells
Renegades of Funk Chicago
History vs. Hollywood

I'm Having A Down Day Emotionally. Here's Why.

VIRUS TESTING: Here's a note to the Prez about how testing works. You'd think someone who went to Wharton - and aren't they just so proud? - would grasp this. If you flunk the SAT or ACT, it was not the test that made you stupid. You brought your own stupid to the party. You were stupid before the test, and the test just showed it. There are not fewer people infected with COVID-19 because you failed to test them. Ignorance predates the untaken test, and remains in effect even after the untaken test. Even at Wharton.

HARRY AND MEGHAN: Didn't care before, don't care now, won't care at anytime in the foreseeable future of this space-time continuum. However, Harry's current sadsack mewling from LA about lack of focus in his life does suggest one thing: Spending your life being trained to be a royal prince does not actually prepare you to be anything.

DUMB: We always knew the Constitution invested citizens with the right to be stupid, but when did stupid become a necessary noble virtue? A life goal? People can inflict their stupid on you now apparently because they carry guns and threaten violence.
You can't say stupid people are stupid now. It's rude. I loved the good old days when stupid people were required to shut up and wear their sheets.

CONGRESS AND SCIENCE: The more members of Congress quiz scientists under oath about the current viral mess, the more sure I am that many scientists are smart, and we have elected many really dumb people to Congress. Were they always this dumb, or did we inadvertently empower them to reveal their pre-existing learning disabilities?

GREAT AND AWFUL: The recent 100-part, neverending cable series on the sainthood of Michael Jordan - The Young Pope? - only validates confusion about basic humanity. A person can be supremely talented in one, narrow aspect of life, but otherwise a total, despicable failure as a human being.

We have a special fondness for despicable people.

Jordan: an awful person then, an awful person now, and eventually will be an awful old person.

LIke Pete Rose and Pablo Picasso.

CLOTHES MAKE THE MAN: Let's go over this one more time. The pro sports team you love is comprised of many people who do not care about you and would leave you tomorrow if someone offered them more money. You love them; they think you're a useless schmuck.

Pro athletes are interchangeable parts wearing different costumes. They are hookers with really great hand-eye coordination. In fact, one subtle pro skill is mastering how to pretend you care about the fans when you don't.

Devotion? Johns always think hookers love them. It's called ACT-TEENG.

PESTS: I am rooting for the Murder Hornets.


Recently by David Rutter:

* Kris Bryant's Future Bar Trick.

* Mansplaining To A Millionaire.

* Status Check: Chicago Sports.

* The Week In WTF Redux: Blago Is Back Edition.

* What Is A Chicagoan Anyway?

* Glenn Beck's Turn In The Volcano.

* Only Science Will Bring Back Sports.

* I Loathe The Lockdown Protestors.

* Reopening Books.

* A Return To Abnormalcy.


David Rutter is the former publisher/editor of the Lake County News-Sun, and more importantly, the former author of the Beachwood's late, great "The Week In WTF" column. He welcomes your comments.


Posted on May 15, 2020

MUSIC - Chief Keef Changed The Industry.
TV - Vizio's Best Product Is You.
POLITICS - UIC: Soda Taxes Work.
SPORTS - More McCaskey Malpractice.

BOOKS - All About Poop.


Search The Beachwood Reporter

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Follow BeachwoodReport on Twitter

Beachwood Radio!