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How The Chicago Media Will Cover The Rapture

An old joke about how the nation's news organizations will cover the end of the world - which is Saturday, dontcha know - predicts the The Wall Street Journal will go with "God says world to end tomorrow; market to close early" while the Washington Post will announce "God says world to end tomorrow; women and minorities hardest hit."

Let's add some Chicago outlets - and personalities - to the mix.

Tribune: "Frenzied Families Prepare For End With Mixed Feelings."

Eric Zorn: "Where Does The Word 'Rapture' Come From?"

John Kass: "God Is A Chumbolone If He Thinks He Can Outsmart The Daleys."

Mary Schmich: "A Poem For God, Explaining The iPod."

Tom Skilling: "Forecast Partly Hotter Than Blazes For Weekend Rapture."

Editorial: "Memo to God: Cut Pensions First."


Sun-Times: "Rahm: City 'Ready' For Rapture."

Michael Sneed: "Tittle Tattle: Sneed hears that with the end of the world at hand, the Royal Family is preparing a graceful exit from this world. But will they be a don't invitem item with Jesus? Stay tuned."

Stella Foster: "God is coming, and not a moment too soon. These young girls showing their cha-chis all over His earth need a good talking to from a stern role model who isn't afraid to do some smiting. You go, God! Yeah, I said it!"

Mark Brown: "I can't decide what I think about the Rapture. It could be good, but then again, some people might get hurt. But maybe that's just the way it is."

Editorial: "Critics may complain, but the Rapture is the only realistic solution. We just hope it is done as fairly as possible. And hey, we're Chicago, we're tough enough to take it."


Bob Sirott: "One More Thing . . . About The Rapture. Will Ronnie Santo be there? Because if won't be, I don't wanna go."


Walter Jacobson: "I find this Rapture business puzzling. I think the fix is in. Sooo coooolllllld!"


Chicago Tonight: "Join us tonight when our panel of experts talks about the most boring implications of the Rapture; we'll be sure to cut off the discussion as soon as someone says something interesting, throwing it to another piece on the Columbian Exposition."

Week in Review: "We'll recap what everyone has already said about the Rapture in a show taped ahead of time."


RedEye: "Rapture Sex: Should You Have It?"


Chicago Magazine: "Top 28 Rapture Restaurants. Plus, which neighborhoods will be hot after God arrives."


The Reader: "Rapture, page 35."

Ben Joravsky: "Rapture is same old Chicago politics despite talk of change."

Mick Dumke: "Rapture contract obtained through a Freedom of Information request shows Daley insiders still reaping the benefits of their connections."


The Expired Meter: "Meters Must Still Be Fed On Judgement Day."


Harry Teinowitz: "I was bangin' seven-gram rocks and finishing them! That's the Rapture, baby!"


Chicago News Cooperative: "Innovate rapture coverage coming soon."


Andy Shaw: "We'll be covering the Rapture live as part of our expanded mission to not only watchdog local politicians but the masters of the universe."


The Beachwood Reporter: "Media Once Again Fails To Properly Cover The Rapture."


Comments welcome.


1. From Steve Rhodes:

Adding . . .

Bill Kurtis: "I've just found the Rapture."


Posted on May 19, 2011

MUSIC - Britney's IUD.
TV - Vizio's Best Product Is You.
POLITICS - Climate Deniers' 4 Top Scare Tactics.
SPORTS - The McEnroes In Antarctica.

BOOKS - Foxconned.


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