Fermilab Funding Fracas

"Fermilab expects to lay off about 140 employees in the coming weeks - about 10 percent of the Batavia physics laboratory's staff, once retirements and resignations are factored in, an official said Friday."

Here are some of the other cost-cutting measures Fermilab is considering.

* New partnership between particle accelerator unit and Team Demolition Derby in Joliet.

* Eastern portion of sky declared the Forbidden Zone; will no longer be monitored.

* Subatomic muon particles will be purchased from Third World sweatshops.

* Quark division will be merged with accounting; new double-entry bookkeeping system will feature money that is or isn't there.

* Roadkill will be used for all Schrodinger experiments instead of live cats.

* Lunch will be ordered from Pizza Hut instead of Tuscani's.

* Magnets will now be purchased in bulk from Walgreen's.

* Fermilab finds new partner, will relaunch as Quarks 'N Things.

* Will now pretend dark matter is just darkness.

* Absolute zero will be recalculated to save on heating bills.

* Fermilab will be renamed Physics "R" Us; gift shop will sell gravity boots.

* Finally enters x-ray specs market.

* Procurement officers will use time machine to purchase items at 1973 prices.

* Employees now encouraged to use the universe's microwave background for burritos instead of those crappy energy-sucking units in the lounge.

* Scientists will use one less dimension.

* E will now equal just MC.

* The speed of light will be held to 55 mph.

* String theory will now be applied to employee health insurance plans.

* New naming rights program, including Trump's Theory of Relativity.

© 2006 - 2012, The Beachwood Media Company