Chicago - Jul. 12, 2022
Music TV Politics Sports Books People Places & Things
Beachwood PP&T
Our monthly PP&T archive.
Rhymes for the Times.
Beachwood Bookmarks
So You've Decided To Be Evil
Vintage Beer Signs
Easy Bar Tricks
Best of Craigslist
Wacky Packages
Taquitos Snack Food Reviews
How Products Are Made
Everyday Mysteries
Chicago Zombie
Texts From Last Night
Fuck My Life
Awkward Family Photos
Ultra Local Geography
Best Pinball Machine Ever
Land of Sky Beer Waters
Calumet 412
Chicago Patterns
Vince Michael's Time Tells
Renegades of Funk Chicago
History vs. Hollywood

Exclusive! The Real Reasons Why McDonald's Is Abandoning The Suburbs For The City

"McDonald's has taken the boldest step yet in its yearlong effort to transform itself into a 'modern, progressive' company by moving downtown with the cool kids," the Tribune reports.

"The world's largest burger chain plans to relocate from the custom-built Oak Brook headquarters it has called home for nearly four decades to Chicago's West Town neighborhood, an area of hot restaurants and bars, becoming the latest corporation moving to be closer to the millennials they want as employees."

More specifically, McDonald's is moving into Oprah's old place.

But it's not about being close to the cool kids, the Beachwood has learned. It's about these compelling reasons:

* Tired of mowing the lawn.

* Closer to target market of exploitable poor people.

* Mayor McCheese lost a bet to Mayor McSleaze.

* Need young techies to develop Big Mac output on 3-D printers.

* Oprah asked for her own McDonald's years ago but they're just getting around to it now.

* Easier for Chris Christie to deliver to Trump Tower.

* Leaving McMansion market for McGentrification market.

* Just a perfect location for Derrick Rose on days he sits out practice.

* The Illinois Medical District was taken.

* Executives finally realize the suburbs have no charms to soothe the restless dreams of youth.

* Ronald McDonald finally gets his chance to play TV themes on his saxophone on the Jackson Boulevard bridge on weekends.

* Ronald McDonald lost the suburban campus in a Coke-fueled all-night poker game with the Hamburglar.

* Rahm Emanuel finally won in McDonald's Monopoly.

* McDonald's executives decided to really take a ride on the BO railroad.

* Rahm Emanuel impressed with Hamburger U graduation rate.

* Because of a quirk in the physical laws of the universe, it's the only way McRib can ever truly be back.

- Tom Chambers, Eric Emery, Steve Rhodes

Comments welcome.


Posted on June 15, 2016

MUSIC - Chief Keef Changed The Industry.
TV - Vizio's Best Product Is You.
POLITICS - UIC: Soda Taxes Work.
SPORTS - More McCaskey Malpractice.

BOOKS - All About Poop.


Search The Beachwood Reporter

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Follow BeachwoodReport on Twitter

Beachwood Radio!