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Exclusive! Official Illinois Bicentennial Beer Entries

"Gov. Bruce Rauner today joined state Rep. Tim Butler and Springfield Mayor Jim Langfelder, both Bicentennial Commissioners, to debut the first cans of the Official Bicentennial Craft Beer at Binny's in Springfield. '1818 Prairie State Farmhouse Ale' is now available at most Binny's, Jewel-Osco's, HyVee's and other select retailers statewide," the governor's office announced Wednesday.

"Hand of Fate Brewing Co. of Petersburg was chosen to create the special birthday brew after winning the Bicentennial craft beer contest at the Illinois State Fair in August."

The Beachwood I Team has learned, however, that '1818 Prairie State Farmhouse Ale" may have been clouted in, because after all, how could all of these great entries lose?

* Madigale.

Made with sweet hops from the 22nd district planted with all the loving care of a fake primary opponent.

* Blago Beer.

Made with grains that are fucking golden.

* 1819.

Named after the number of Illinois pols who have ended up in prison.


Drink up this replacement for your pension!

* O'Deals.

The consummate Springfield beer, threshed in the nation's finest Combine and served in the best back rooms in the state.

* Pat's Pilsner.

Inspired by former Governor Pat Quinn, with a long finish that seems like it will never end.

* Governor Lite.

A concoction mixing creations invented by lieutenant governors over the years who had too much time on their hands.

* Old Style.

Dedicated to former Governor George Ryan, for those who prefer a bitter aftertaste.

* Colt 44.

Because Illinois couldn't afford Colt 45.

* IOU.

Created especially for the state's social service organizations, IOU's special feature is that the cans are empty, and probably will be for years. In fact, they will never be full though they might on occasion be filled with a few ounces left over from the state's new Amazon Incentive brew.

* University of Illinois Ale.

Made from amber waves of brain drain.

* Pabst Blue State Ribbon.

Made by the same central committee that chooses our judges.

* Lucky Lotto.

Only one of five cans doesn't contain Malort; that's the gamble.

* Coinkydink Cider.

A clouty entry distributed by the Wirtz Corporation.

* Illinois Handshake.

Only one batch will be made, and then distributed to a select group of people along with a wad of nonsequential bills.


Comments welcome.


Posted on March 15, 2018

MUSIC - Chief Keef Changed The Industry.
TV - Vizio's Best Product Is You.
POLITICS - UIC: Soda Taxes Work.
SPORTS - More McCaskey Malpractice.

BOOKS - All About Poop.


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