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Exclusive! Inside The USS Illinois

First Lady Michelle Obama and Gov. Bruce Rauner were on hand in Connecticut over the weekend for the christening of the USS Illinois.

"The $2.7 billion vessel is the 13th in the Virginia class of submarines, which can carry out a range of missions including anti-submarine warfare, delivery of special forces and surveillance. The 377-foot submarine will carry a crew of more than 130 and a payload of weapons including torpedoes and Tomahawk missiles," AP reports.

"The crest of the submarine features an outline of the state of Illinois, a white-tailed deer in honor of the state animal and foliage representing Illinois forest and prairie life. It also has a banner with the Latin words 'Nemo Magis Fortiter,' or 'none more brave,' a line from the Illinois state song."

Those aren't the only Illinois touches. A Beachwood investigation has found the sub has a few other features particular to its Illinois lineage:

* Moody's has already rated it junk.

* At Rauner's insistence, swabbies are non-union and the mess is a right-to-work zone.

* Michael Madigan controls a supermajority of the sub's sailors.

* The Hunt for Budget October already in development.

* Built by Caterpillar, financed by Amalgamated, mobbed up by the Grand Avenue crew, and prosecuted by the U.S. Attorney.

* Huge Ditka mustache on the front.

* The ship's brig is called Club Fed.

* Janitors provided by Aramark.

* Accommodates both Seals and Jesse White's Tumblers.

* Only restaurant onboard is the Park Grill.

* Chain of command must present credentials to Cook County slating committee every four years.

* Project used a lot of asphalt, for some reason.

* Better than USS Indiana but not nearly as good as USS Minnesota.

* Unable to dock at Navy Pier due to typical governmental lack of foresight.

* Rod Blagojevich on KP duty.

* Gambling on international waters subject to Chicago amusement tax.

* All Emergency Action Messages will go through Sneed.

* Innovative sonar will detect the presence of an FBI surveillance wire.


Comments welcome.


Posted on October 12, 2015

MUSIC - Chief Keef Changed The Industry.
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POLITICS - UIC: Soda Taxes Work.
SPORTS - More McCaskey Malpractice.

BOOKS - All About Poop.


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