Dear Customer: We're Watching You

I received letters from two of my credit cards recently saying "We noticed you were having trouble using an ATM recently. Here's your PIN number."

Indeed, I tried to withdraw cash with those cards and couldn't because I had my PIN numbers wrong.

It reminded me of those OnStar commercials where they can unlock your car for you over the phone. Or how the cable company can turn your TV on and off from the central office.

So we here at Beachwood Labs got to thinking. Here are some other letters we expect to receive soon.

* Dear Customer: We noticed you were having a hard time pooping the other day. Here's a coupon for our new and improved stool softener.

* Dear Registered Voter: We noticed you were arguing the merits of John Edwards versus Barack Obama with a friend the other day. Here's some material about Obama we hope will change your mind.

* Dear Potbellied Drinker: We noticed you were drinking Miller High Life the other night. Did you know that Bud Light offers the same great taste at half the calories?

* Dear Customer: We noticed you were trying to drink yourself to death the other day. Here's a 10% off coupon for a shotgun - redeem at any Wal-Mart store.

* Dear Parent: We noticed your child was crying last night. Here's a coupon for $5 off your next video game purchase at Game Stop, so you can buy back his love.

* Dear Music Lover: We noticed your frustration in the car the other day when you couldn't find a decent song on the radio. Have you ever considered XM satellite radio? You can get it in your car you know. Just thought we'd let you know.

* Dear Citizen: We overheard you complaining about your alley the other day. We also noticed you aren't registered to vote. Perhaps you should drop by your alderman's office.

* Dear Fellow: We noticed the guilt you felt thge other day when you ate that whole batch of sugar cookies in one sitting. We have a great deal at Bally's right now that includes your first month free. Give it some thought.

* Hey Buster: We know what's making that weird sound when you apply your brakes. You better stop in soon and you'll be sorry.

* Dear Traffic Violator: We noticed that yellow light turned red just as you went through it the other day . . .

* Dear Lonely Single: I noticed you staring longingly at those American Apparel ads the other day. Give me a call. And don't forget to have your credit card number with you when you do.

- Rick Kaempfer, Tim Willette, Steve Rhodes