Chicagoans' Worst Nightmares

Crain's recently published a pretty privileged list of Chicagoans' Worst Nightmares followed by a Chicagoist solicitation of its readers that we also found a bit wanting.

So The Beachwood Nightmares Affairs Desk sprung into action. The problem, though, is that most of our nightmares have already come true.

* Rahm Emanuel gets elected mayor.

* Rahm Emanuel gets re-elected mayor.

* Wrigley Field gets a Jumbotron.

* City runs out of Old Style.

* Mike Ditka continues to be a thing.

* Billy Corgan re-forms Smashing Pumpkins.

* Billy Corgan plays six hours over a book reading at a suburban tea house.

* Anyone's kids come into contact with the (unvaccinated) kids of Cutler and Cavallari.

* Michael Sneed keeps her job.

* The city decides to sell precious lakefront land to a pal of the mayor for a dollar to build a Star Wars museum.

* Dead people really are voting - and boy are they pissed.

* L.A. becomes cooler than Chicago. Which has happened.

* The city opens its books to the public - and it's an even bigger shitshow than they're saying.

* Jonathan Brandmeier, Mancow Muller and Steve Dahl return to radio.

* No turkey legs at Taste of Chicago.

* Being forced to go to Taste of Chicago.

Even this list is a bit unsatisfying, though. Wouldn't a list of real nightmares be more like this:

* Leftover nuclear material under University of Chicago explodes.

* Sears Tower falls over.

* Redmoon Theater production re-starts Great Fire.

* Asian carp mates with Canadian carp to form Super Carp.

* Beachwood Inn finally dies. Which it has.

- Marty Gangler, J.J. Tindall, Steve Rhodes

Comments welcome.

© 2006 - 2021, The Beachwood Media Company