Chicago's Opening Ceremonies

The Beachwood staff was so impressed with the opening ceremonies in Beijing on Friday that we got to thinking what the opening ceremonies would be like in Chicago in 2016.

* The mayor's patronage army performs an intricately synchronized dance mimicking the exchange of cash and the occasional federal sacrifice who "stands up" and keeps his mouth shut. In its final arrangement, the army executes a giant eye-wink.

* Red-light cameras and blue-light cameras loaned to ceremonies along with illegal Indiana fireworks and the police department's new M-4s in a tribute to the security state. Ends with the city blowing up Bensenville.

* At the conclusion of the ceremonies, everyone is instructed to look under their seat to discover they've been gifted a pair of Oprah Winfrey's favorite cozy flannel pajamas.

* A re-enactment of the arrival of LaSalle and the subsequent murder of savages.

* A re-enactment of the LaSalle Street TIF.

* The 1995 heat wave set to a moving score, with animated body bags on wires floating around the stadium.

* The cryogenically frozen 1985 Chicago Bears are brought back to life to perform the Olympic Funding Shuffle.

* The cryogencially frozen 1985 Chicago Bears are not brought back to life, they are just hung on wires floating around the stadium.

* David Copperfield makes dissenters disappear.

* Illuminated cow burns entire fucking city to the ground. How you like them pyrotechnics, Beijing?!

* St. Valentines Day Massacre re-creation starring the Olympic rifle athletes.

* The Jesse White Tumblers bounce on gigantic trampoline to light the Olympic torch. The trampoline, inspected by a young Friend of Todd, collapses. Tumblers burn instead.

* Chicago River re-reversed.

* Chocolate covered doves released to represent the candy makers all fleeing Chicago.

* All vehicles within three miles of the ceremonies are towed for failure to apply for boot permits.

* Ceremonies end with Richard M. Daley crowned Master of his Domain.

- Julia Gray, Rick Kaempfer, Marilyn Ferdinand, Natasha Julius, Kathryn Ware, Steve Rhodes

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