Chicago A-to-Z

By Tim Steil

A - is for Alderman. A provider of new garbage cans two days before the election.

B - is for Boystown, a very nice neighborhood full of very nice people, and very nice restaurants and bars. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

C - is for Cubs, a baseball team, and a state of mind that is slowly making its way into the DSM-IV.

D - is for Daley, deal with it. You can probably get a sweet contract out of it if you know how to keep your mouth shut and can deal with a little federal time.

E - is for Eric & Kathy, and for life of me I can't figure out why.

F - is for Fuckin'.

G - is for Golden.

H - is for Hired Truck. (See D)

I - is for "I take the Fifth."

J - is for Jacobson, Amy. Swimsuit model. Used to be for Jacobson, Walter. Homeless model.

K - is for Kass, John (R-Howmuchtheypayinya?). Eats steaks at Gene & Georgetti. Has a legman and lives in the suburbs, yet somehow clings to his Everyman cred.

L - is for Leah, Eskin, whose last column on food was, literally, on how to melt butter in a microwave.

M - is for "Matches" Boyle. Fireman who set fires. Gets prison, gets pension.

N - is for NIMBY, a somewhat curable disease that breaks out anytime someone wants to build something that would benefit poor people in an area predominately populated by rich people. Coming soon to Grant Park.

O - is for Oprah. A misspelled name from the Bible, also a woman who became a worldwide media sensation, who in an effort to show her undying love for the city that made her famous, shut down Michigan Avenue, threw a huge staged party, then announced she was quitting and moving to California.

P - is for Pritzker. Library, Military Museum, feuding family, Obama ATM.

Q - is for "Quarters" Boyle. Flunky who has new quarters. Federal type.

R - is for Ron, Santo. Hall of Fame. Don't make me come out there, Cooperstown.

S - is for Skilling, a force of nature who makes his living talking about forces of nature. Somebody say El Nino!

T - is for Tom, Skilling. See above.

U - is for University of Illinois. (Dad gave a lot of money to your campaign . . . wink, wink.)

V - is for Vrdolyak, Fast Eddie. Former alderman, currently reporting to his probation officer.

W - is for WGN. Used to stand for World's Greatest Newspaper. Now, We Got Nothin'.

X - is for Xoco, a new restaurant by award-winning semi-bearded chef Rick Bayless. By the time you get through the line, the cookbook will be out.

Y - is for Why did we sell those parking meters again?

Z - is for Zell. Rhymes with Hell.

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Your Chicago ABCs welcome.