Chicago - Dec. 11, 2017
Music TV Politics Sports Books People Places & Things
 
Beachwood PP&T
Our monthly PP&T archive.
Chicagoetry
Rhymes for the Times.
Beachwood Bookmarks
So You've Decided To Be Evil
Vintage Beer Signs
Easy Bar Tricks
Best of Craigslist
Wacky Packages
Chicagology
Taquitos Snack Food Reviews
How Products Are Made
Everyday Mysteries
Chicago Zombie
FAIL
Texts From Last Night
Fuck My Life
Awkward Family Photos
QuackWatch
Alcademics
Lamebook
Ultra Local Geography
Uncyclopedia
Best Pinball Machine Ever
Land of Sky Beer Waters
Calumet 412
Chicago Patterns
Vince Michael's Time Tells

Cab #5063

Date Taken: 5/16/07
From: Wicker Park
To: Lincoln Park

The Cab: A Four Aces cab with the satisfying array-of-four-aces logo on the door. A cab fit for moviemaking; perfectly worn but not dirty. Small tears in the vinyl seat; a broken door-inset litter tray; seat belt straps hanging down below the driver's seat. It felt right. The engine was just a little rough and the brakes just a little squeaky. Action!

And there would be.

The Driver: A perfectly calm middle-aged family kind of guy in dead silence and oblivious or just totally blase to his driving behavior.

The Driving: Oh, this is interesting. He's using the shoulder on Ashland to get around these cars backed-up at a stoplight. Wait, there is no shoulder! This guy's creating a new lane! He's a lane-creator! Which is ingenious and all, and I suppose standard-issue savvy cab drivin', but WHOMP! That must be the tires running out of room and hitting the curb! Got a little body, too, from that metally grindy sound.

Holy cow, he got by all those cars and now he's revving up for the drag race on the green light to get by his final competitors! He's done it!

I don't feel right. I would be so mad if I were the other drivers. And it's not as if I told him to "Step on it!" or "Follow that car!" or "I'll give you a really big tip if you get me there really fast!" Or "Pretend we're in a movie!"

Oh my god, here he goes again . . . he's a serial lane-creator!

Hey wait, that worked. Maybe the city oughta hire this guy to redraw our street grid. Yeah, looking at it another way, he's single-handedly solving congestion.

Oh, was that us hitting the curb again?

No, it was just the "Bump" sign he ignored.

Oh my god, he's turning right and there are two kids not quite to the corner and one of them has dropped his toy!

Well, he slowed down enough to appear somewhat conscientious. A horrible incident averted.

Wait, I'm here already? Maybe I'll use the extra time to meditate my way out of throwing up.

Epilogue: That wasn't a receipt he gave me, I discover later at home. It's an offer for a free six-week guest pass at Bally Total Fitness!

Overall rating: half an extended arm.

- Steve Rhodes

*

There are more than 6,000 cabs in the city of Chicago. We intend to review every one of them.



Permalink

Posted on May 18, 2007


MUSIC - The Weekend In Chicago Rock.
TV - Cricket vs. Brexit.
POLITICS - An Odd Call From Bermuda.
SPORTS - All Is Not Forgiven, Bears.

BOOKS - Turning Points Of The Civil War.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Baxter's IV Bag Shortages.


Search The Beachwood Reporter

Subscribe To Our Newsletter
Email:

Follow BeachwoodReport on Twitter



Beachwood Radio!


Ask Me Anything!



Wool and Hoop