Cab #5063

Date Taken: 5/16/07
From: Wicker Park
To: Lincoln Park

The Cab: A Four Aces cab with the satisfying array-of-four-aces logo on the door. A cab fit for moviemaking; perfectly worn but not dirty. Small tears in the vinyl seat; a broken door-inset litter tray; seat belt straps hanging down below the driver's seat. It felt right. The engine was just a little rough and the brakes just a little squeaky. Action!

And there would be.

The Driver: A perfectly calm middle-aged family kind of guy in dead silence and oblivious or just totally blase to his driving behavior.

The Driving: Oh, this is interesting. He's using the shoulder on Ashland to get around these cars backed-up at a stoplight. Wait, there is no shoulder! This guy's creating a new lane! He's a lane-creator! Which is ingenious and all, and I suppose standard-issue savvy cab drivin', but WHOMP! That must be the tires running out of room and hitting the curb! Got a little body, too, from that metally grindy sound.

Holy cow, he got by all those cars and now he's revving up for the drag race on the green light to get by his final competitors! He's done it!

I don't feel right. I would be so mad if I were the other drivers. And it's not as if I told him to "Step on it!" or "Follow that car!" or "I'll give you a really big tip if you get me there really fast!" Or "Pretend we're in a movie!"

Oh my god, here he goes again . . . he's a serial lane-creator!

Hey wait, that worked. Maybe the city oughta hire this guy to redraw our street grid. Yeah, looking at it another way, he's single-handedly solving congestion.

Oh, was that us hitting the curb again?

No, it was just the "Bump" sign he ignored.

Oh my god, he's turning right and there are two kids not quite to the corner and one of them has dropped his toy!

Well, he slowed down enough to appear somewhat conscientious. A horrible incident averted.

Wait, I'm here already? Maybe I'll use the extra time to meditate my way out of throwing up.

Epilogue: That wasn't a receipt he gave me, I discover later at home. It's an offer for a free six-week guest pass at Bally Total Fitness!

Overall rating: half an extended arm.

- Steve Rhodes

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