Chicago - Sep. 16, 2020
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A Special "Trump's Bible" Edition Of WTF

News from the war front with your friendly WTF correspondent trying to be much whiter. That means standing outside a Sport Clips haircut joint with an AR-15 and camo face wraps and demanding "a little more off the top, please."

Give me a clipper cut or give me death, bitches.

1. How big: Every time WTF watches the president walk in public, we never worry about what new obscenity he will inflict on democracy. Each time is more objectionable than the last. No drama in predictability.

But what we really care about is Spanx. It is clear to WTF based on conversations with female contributors that The Orange 1 almost certainly wears the elastic foundation garment to keep it all inside.

This begs several questions. How morbidly obese is he actually? Is he just, "No, I think I'll pass on another helping of mashed potatoes" fat or is it more, "Good gawd, look at that Orange Goodyear Blimp" fat?

Warthog or Hippo? Distinctions add context.

Our fashion correspondent suggests he is wearing the most voluminously constructed Spanx available, which some users call the, "Hey, chubs, only one of you at a time in this" Spanx.

It's the 3X version for 48-inch waist and 54-inch hips. It expands like Big Bang Theory underwear, and is designed for someone who weighs 305 pounds. Yep, that's about right.

Attending Marine security guards are on constant alert for an "explosive extraction alert."

2. Always fashionable: On their National Guard-escorted walk across the street from the White House to shred the Constitution, the Trumps ("Hey, Melania, SMILE, won't you?"), the dictator's family was appropriately outfitted in Dictator Chic.

We looked really close to see that Ivanka Mussolini Trump was carrying a nice handbag. Never crush the proletariat street thugs without a good handbag. True, it was a butt-ugly handbag, but then look at Jared. How much taste can she have in accessories?

Jared and Ivanka disprove the theory that Jews can't be fascists.

But what was in the bag? Tweeters were agog:

We'd add: A backbone? A conscience??

Nah, she had the Bible. "A Bible," as the president announced. So the ultimate fashion accessory (Ivanka) used the white leather tote (fashion accessory) to carry the central showbiz fashion accessory (a Bible).

3. Now what, fashionistas? The White House posse had the move all choreographed except for one thing: When Daddy gets to the church steps, then what does he do? He can't read an inspiring and on-topic Biblical verse because, well, he doesn't know any and learning one would require him to, you know, study. The Bible is like daily intelligence reports. No pictures. He has no attention span to read them.

So he stands there like a limp Lorna Doone cookie held together with Spanx and bailing wire. Stagecraft? Bob Fosse shrieked in horror from his grave.

Plus, Trump visits an Episcopalian church as a prop, and Episcopalians are not offended and rousted to outrage by anything. Episcopalians are like Maine Sen. Susan Collins: "We're concerned. Very concerned."

And yet.

4. Deductive reasoning: We know the protesters across the street from the White House were unarmed when they were set upon with flash-bangs, tear gas, and dogs. (Trump asked about employing bayonets and tanks. He really did.)

Trump would never have stood, sat or walked within 200 yards of armed protesters even if he was being carried inside an 82nd Airborne armored Humvee.

That's a balls question. Reality TV stars are not allowed to have balls.

5. Deduction redux: WTF can now state categorically that there are no UFOs stored at Area 51.

If there were, Trump would have used a spaceship to laser protestors, and then posed with the interstellar visitor at Mar-a-Lago.

What are the chances The Big Orange Mouth could have kept his trap shut about UFOs for three years?

What a fabulous getting-laid tactic having a UFO and an alien pilot would be.

P.S.: And, Melania, smile why don't you? Don't you wish you could read Donald and Melania's prenup?

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Recently by David Rutter:

* Kris Bryant's Future Bar Trick.

* Mansplaining To A Millionaire.

* Status Check: Chicago Sports.

* The Week In WTF Redux: Blago Is Back Edition.

* What Is A Chicagoan Anyway?

* Glenn Beck's Turn In The Volcano.

* Only Science Will Bring Back Sports.

* I Loathe The Lockdown Protestors.

* Reopening Books.

* A Return To Abnormalcy.

* I'm Having A Down Day Emotionally. Here's Why.

* So Long, Jerry.

-

David Rutter is the former publisher/editor of the Lake County News-Sun, and more importantly, the former author of the Beachwood's late, great "The Week In WTF" column. This post originally appeared at his Theeditor50's blog.He welcomes your comments.



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