Chicago - Feb. 24, 2020
Music TV Politics Sports Books People Places & Things
Beachwood PP&T
Our monthly PP&T archive.
Rhymes for the Times.
Beachwood Bookmarks
So You've Decided To Be Evil
Vintage Beer Signs
Easy Bar Tricks
Best of Craigslist
Wacky Packages
Taquitos Snack Food Reviews
How Products Are Made
Everyday Mysteries
Chicago Zombie
Texts From Last Night
Fuck My Life
Awkward Family Photos
Ultra Local Geography
Best Pinball Machine Ever
Land of Sky Beer Waters
Calumet 412
Chicago Patterns
Vince Michael's Time Tells
Renegades of Funk Chicago
History vs. Hollywood

A Beachwood Halloween

Scott Buckner is doing grown-up trick-or-treating this Halloween. I'm going door to door with just a shot glass.

- Buckner's Facebook feed

Not bad, Buckner, but don't stop there.

* Dress in rags and say you're the City of Chicago budget.

* Do your trick-or-treating the following day as a CTA bus or train. Because you're never on time.

* Dress like a Chicago cop and lug around a car battery and some jumper cables. You're Commander Jon Burge!

* Dress like a fish and smack people in the head when they answer the door. Tell them you're an Asian carp.

* Buy a Barack Obama mask. Go around stealing everyone's candy and give it to people working in banks.

* Dress yourself in fairy wings, a tiara, and a magic wand. Tell everyone you're a Republican.

* Dress up like an ass and tell everyone you're Todd Stroger. Don't worry - everyone in Cook County will know who you are.

* Screw this going door to door shit. Just dress up like a parking meter, sit down curbside on any Chicago street, and go home with $2,800 in quarters by the end of the day.

* Dress up like The Great and Powerful Oz and tell everyone you're Michael Madigan.

* Dress up like God and tell everyone you're Rahm Emanuel.

* Just wander about aimlessly yelling at the sky and tell everyone you're a Tea Party candidate. Or Glenn Beck.

* Wrap yourself in last week's newspaper and say that you are today's Sneed column.

* Go as Jesse Jackson Jr.'s career - cover yourself in ashes and your own self-entitled excrement.

* Put blinders on, fill your ears with cotton, defiantly fold your arms and go as the Holdout Juror.

* Go as Rod Blagojevich in Prison - spend all Halloween cowering in the corner muttering "Not in my hair!"

* Go as an alderman - dress as a sheep in handcuffs

* Go as Oprah. Once you get your candy, tell everyone to fuck off and move to Los Angeles.

* Dress as a bank. Go around kicking homeless people out of their cardboard boxes and take their stuff.

* Go as a Tribune Company executive. Tell any attractive woman giving you candy that she has nice tits.

* Cover yourself in shredded paper and say that you are what's left of the Trib's dignity.

* Dress up like Ricketts family and instead of begging for candy, go door-to-door seeing if you can unload Carlos Zambrano on someone.

- Scott Buckner, Drew Adamek

Comments welcome.


Posted on October 14, 2010

MUSIC - The Last 10 Songs I Shazamed.
TV - MSNBC In Full-Blown Freakout.
POLITICS - The Bagel's Socialist Roots.
SPORTS - Beachwood Sports Radio: Alert Cooperstown.

BOOKS - The Mind Is The Body.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - A Breath Sanitizer For Blowing Out Birthday Candles!

Search The Beachwood Reporter

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Follow BeachwoodReport on Twitter

Beachwood Radio!